Wires Meet Juice Box

I am one post away from reporting being struck by lighting.

Seriously, could I please have one more sign that maybe I shouldn't be doing this???

Today took the cake. I hauled it to the hospital this morning to donate blood. Sounds simple, right? Well, of COURSE not.

Ummm...Denise, the blood lady, who has worked this job for 15 years, said the mistake she made with ME had never happened before! Well, faaaaan-tastic! That's right, after finding my 'good vein' - she stuck the needle in and then...accidentally pulled it out! Can you say blood everywhere?!?!?! I sure did!

Next, it's on to my other arm to try to use my 'not as good vein.' Well guess what? Denise couldn't find the vein and I learned it's not a lot of fun having a needle digging inside your arm.

After almost giving up, I told Denise to get back to the first arm! I gotta get blood taken asap and get back to work! I am not leaving this place without a bag of blood left behind.

Just my luck - one little prick back in the first arm and we're back where we started -- a crime scene.


Can you see my battle wounds? I know it's hard to spot the difference between the bandages and my 'missing summertime' skin.

So....not only did I not give a drop of blood this morning but I have to go back on Friday (risk losing my job for all these appointments) AND on top of everything...didn't even meet David.

The upside...a juice box for my ride home.


How often does a 20-something come across a juice box? Well, go visit apologetic Denise and she'll offer you every juice box and cookie pack on the face of the planet.

Damn Your Health Benefits

Dear Broccoli,

I'm sorry I have to do this to you but our relationship is over.

I used to believe if I ordered you 'extra soft' it would be ok. I used to think of you as a healthy, safe side. I used to think all these things till....today.

Thanks to you, an innocent intern had to sit through an entire lunch with me, with a mouth full of green. It was bad enough this intern has more going on in his life than I do. And it's bad enough trying to 'mentor' with braces but...did you have to go deep into the wires? No hand covering the mouth was going to save this catastrophe.

You are unpredictable, unreliable and just...an embarrassment. I hate to admit it but President George H. W. Bush was right about you. I will be with your friend, The Pea, from this point forward.

-WL
---
In other news....

Tomorrow morning I'm getting up super early to give blood at the hospital for surgery. I'm not at all worried about the actual giving of blood. Heck, I can deal with feeling queezy at work - it might mix things up. What I'm freaked out about is actually driving to the hospital, seeing the hospital, walking into the hospital and yes, even smelling the hospital. Let's hope I don't run in the opposite direction. On the plus side, I do get to meet Daniel, the nicest medical professional to ever use a phone.

The High-Class Tasting of...ENSURE

I have officially been informed that during my first week post-surgery all I will be able to eat are meals-in-a-can. Due to this, I decided it was time for my first tasting.

In the world of wine, we would pour a flight of Cabernet Franc or Beaujolais. In the world of Wired Lady, we pour a flight of....Ensure.

The line-up...Strawberry, Vanilla and Chocolate.



First - up...vanilla. My initial thought on this was, "Hey! I am a huge vanilla fan! A McDonalds' vanilla cone is practically gold to me. How could this be a bad way to start?"

Oh. How wrong I was. So, in the time-honored tradition of wanting to be Gary Vaynerchuk (WineLibrary TV - "Link it up! Mott!"), first, it was all about the wine glass and second, it was all about the 'sniffy sniff.'



If I were Gary, to describe the 'pour,' I would use flashy sensory descriptors like "juicy pears" and "buttery popcorn." Welp because I am Wired Lady, to describe my 'pour' I can only use the words -- "just...plain...G-R-O-S-S!" Oh, and maybe I'd add...'"completely revolting!" Literally, I am sitting here remembering the smell of that vanilla and I am gagging.

So, as you can imagine, it took a lot to even move on to trying the vanilla. But as I am 'strong like bull,' I pull it together and take a sip. Taste - not much like vanilla. Definitely blaming it on whatever the heck is causing that smell.

Next up - chocolate! This has got to be better!

And I was right -- hard to go wrong with chocolate. Now mind you, I didn't consume the whole thing (as I would have ingested three weeks of protein in 10 minutes). So, being that it was only a 'tasting'...my vote is...not too shabby. I'm not going to put my 'name' on the line and say it was Godiva in a bottle but considering Ensure it typically the elderly with osteoporosis problems, it's digestible.

Last, and to my much-excitement...strawberry! Anyone else find God in a strawberry shake and a basket of fries to cure the common hangover? Oh. Er. Maybe just me.

The result - good. Not bad. I added ice to max the potential.

So, the final verdict comes down to this...


Next up...Slim Fast. Hold onto your hats folks.

March into McDonalds...Now

Happiness has returned to McDonalds.



To all my wired and non-wired friends...but ESPECIALLY to the wired...get HAPPY! Hallelujah! It's March and Shamrock Shakes are at McDonalds.

Welcome back, My Love...


Your timing could not be better. If my surgery was in April I don't know what I would have done. And by the way, thank goodness you are no longer called the "Minty Mudbath." "Shrek the Third," you ruined everything last year.

Convinced Braces Have ESP

Last night was an incredibly random yet incredibly 'magical' evening. My friend Ken got us into "The World Famous Hollywood Magic Castle."

It's bizarre...I have lived here almost four years and had never heard of it -- this obviously shows you how 'in-the-know' or incredibly oblivious I am, being that I drive by it on my way to work. In order to get in you have to either be a member or know a magician. We somehow qualified in the latter.

While the building itself was kind of spooky and the entire time I was there I felt like I was in the movie "Clue," it was still pretty sweet. Ok. But...I know what you're thinking...how the hell does this involve your braces? Oh. You have NO idea.

So, the first 'magic act' we saw involved this guy who reads minds/has psychic capabilities. He does a few exercises where he's thinking of a number between 1 to 50 -- it's odd and has two numbers...ya di da di da. Well...when I got the first number right I thought it was just a fluke. Then, when I got the second number right I thought it was kind of cool. But THEN when I got the third number spot on exactly RIGHT...I was seriously freaked out. I raised my hand and told him '74.' The Magical Magician says, "You got 74?"

WL: Yes.
Magical Magician: And you got all other numbers correct?
WL: Yes
Getting Creepy Magical Magician: Come down to the stage!
WL: (Ahhhhh crap) Ok.

The Now Highly Creepin' Me Out Magical Magician proceeds to tell the audience he had a few psychic thoughts about tonights show before he got to the Magical Castle and wrote them down on a piece of paper.

IMMEDIATELY I thought...OH. MY. GOD. This paper is totally going to say I have braces. I was completely freakin' out -- however, in the moment, I was also thinking...if this piece of paper says the girl who will guess the number correctly will have braces...WHAT A FREAKIN' AWESOME BLOG POST!!! Ok. Ok. Let me just tell you right now, it didn't happen BUT you can imagine what my face looked like while waiting to find out if 'Ugly Betty In the Present' is going to be called out.

So, he hands me the envelope and sure enough on the outside it reads....


Next, I open the letter and read it out to the audience. And it says.....

Ok, you probably can't read that but it says...."She will have brown hair, and she will be wearing a green dress and gold shoes."

Um...creepers.

(Ok. Not a great evidence shot but I promise, this is a dress and gold shoes were on the feet)

Ok...he didn't get the braces right but nonetheless...how freakin' insane is that?
I swear...I'm sure I sound totally gullible..but in the moment the whole audience was freakin' out. Ok, I get that he may have seen me before the show and got the outfit right but...how did I guess all those numbers correctly?

I swear...I think the braces must have psychic capabilities. If only I could predict the outcome of this dental adventure.

Budweiser Moment

So, apparently I really have come to the point where my braces self-consciousness has gone out the window. Like, I now meet new people and forget that being a 20-something with braces is really...not normal. I know you're thinking I'm full of crap but last night I had a 'should be in a commercial' hilarious braces moment.

So, I'm in the elevator heading out for the night and looking, I gotta say, not too shabby (ha!) when two guys (with cases of beer in hand) get on. We're standing there awkwardly (as most elevator moments play out) when one of the dudes looks right at me and smiles. I then proceed to flash a 'you've got no chance and you're kind of creepy but I'll be nice and smile back because you're my neighbor' smiles, mastering (of course) the closed mouth smile -- something that comes naturally almost a year into braces. [Think I'm a little wordy today?]

Beer Guy: You smell really good.
WL: Thanks (also managing to rock the 'talking but not exposing braces talk')

But THEN....

Beer Guy: A lot better than the way this elevator usually smells.

[for some reason I thought this was completely hilarious at the time and I swear not a drop of alcohol was consumed prior]

WL: (Totally not thinking I throw out a HUGE, no, I mean GYNORMOUS, full teeth, mother of all freakin' smiles and add one of my classic yet highly annoying head-thrown-back laughs)

The poor guys were COMPLETELY caught off guard. It was hilarious. As soon as I saw the kid's reaction to the metal cage strapped to my face, I knew I screwed up.

"Wired LADY! What the hell are you doing!? You can't just surprise innocent bystanders like that!" -- the mental performance review/beat down in my head

I can only image each guys' internal dialogue. Would be such a great beer commercial.
Tag line being...at least your beer is straight.

I Used to be a Prom Queen