Braced for '08

May 2008 bring excellent oral hygiene and the magical words spoken... "It's time for your braces to be removed!"

Movie Review: Braces Mentioned

This afternoon my family and I saw the movie, "The Savages." While the trailer looked incredibly depressing, oddly enough, it was a family favorite. Hmmma....what does that say about us? My father laughed so hard we had to yell at him, sensing other people in the theater were getting annoyed.

While the movie had absolutely nothing to do with orthodontia, it is important to report, braces were mentioned. Philip Seymour Hoffman's character said something like...he had braces at one point during childhood, however, due to dad refusing to pay the bill, they were pulled out of his mouth by the doctor. Not exactly a comforting mention.

Thank goodness I made the open enrollment deadline for '08.

Cookies Make Braces Happy

Today was a high-action day at home. 'High action' meaning, a day of baking, eating and eating more of what was baking. My belly is so full, yet so happy. Thank goodness cookies are not stopped by braces. I have to say, I am already dreading my dentist visit in the beginning of '08. That poor dental assistant definitely is going to have her work cut out for her.

Happy birthday to the sis -- drink up, LADY!

Stocking Up!

This is what my life has become...

Seriously, the highlight of my day was discovering Crest and Oral B on sale at the grocery store. I was beyond excited -- you have no idea.

I love home! Everything is so cheap! Totally also coming home with box loads of breakfast bars! Super thrilling, I know.

Damn you L.A. and your expensive dental goods.

Santa Forgot the Stocking

Of alllll years for Mom -- ekkk- I mean, Santa, to forget the stockings...of COURSE, it was this year!!! That's right, you know what this meant....no toothpaste, no toothbrush and most importantly, no dental floss. In years past I always rolled my eyes at such stocking stuffers but this year, I was totally counting down the days to dental freebies. Did I mention I bought Mom new Christmas stockings for her birthday in November? They were twice as big in preparation for my pending hygiene heaven.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciated the Starbucks gift card as a replacement but, seriously, one can only need so much caffeine. I will be drinking free 'bucks till 2010.

Did I mention no new Oral B Triumpth either?
Totally not whining.

Merry Christmas...Why Do You Have Braces?!

Besides WAAAAY too much food...for me the holidays were spent explaining to distant relatives why I have reverted back to looking like a 13-year-old.

My favorite comment, "You know why you get TMJ, right?"
Um...no.
"Because you got your wisdom teeth out."

What?

A special congrats to my 14-year-old cousin Caroline who just got her braces off!

So so happy for her. Um...yes, of course, super happy.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to All and to All...
an Ortho-Accident-Free Night!

I'm on my way to Pittsburgh with the fam for the celebration. Looking forward to family, friends and...a lot of soft, easy to chew foods. Bring on the stuffing!

No Escaping Wires on Vacation

Since being home I find myself continuously running into 'wired' situations.

1. Local children's Nutcracker performance.

Not only were there a lot of chubby ballerinas but a lot of tweens in braces. I tried to keep my mouth closed during snoozes.

2. Bryson Turner the Stand-Up Stuper Star Performs at The Improv


My favorite comic of the night (minus B-Turner), a fellow LADY named Aparna Nancherla.

I gotta say, I'm highly disappointed her professional head shots don't include the wires but then ya know, can you blame her? Nah.

3. Last but not least, this morning my parents dragged me to service. Upon meeting the minister and his family on the way in, I was welcomed with a smiling mouth of braces - the minister's daughter. She looked right at me and said, "I like your braces!"

By the way, the cat did come out of hiding.

Cats Hate Braces

If you look closely, you will see a picture of my sister's cat.

Ophelia has been missing since I arrived home this morning. Upon arrival at 6 AM, I took one look at her, smiled...and then she bolted! This house is not big, yet damn, that thing can hide!



I am convinced it's the braces. Julie comforts me by saying this has never happened before. Thanks.

Pearly Wisdom

How excited was I this morning when I found an article in the NY Times on toothbrushes!!??? Yes, this is my life.

While I don't personally agree with the soft bristle philosophy, I will share the "Pearly Wisdom."

On my way home! Time to scare a whole new bunch of people with the wires!

Packin' Up The Dental Gear

Tonight I'm packin' up for the grand voyage home. As always, completely overpacking. And yet, once I arrive, I'll wonder why I have nothing to wear. Good thing I'll have all the dental goodies I'll need.

On a side note, last night I totally made Steve the Boyfriend try the Orabase. Ha! It was hilarious! He did not at ALL appreciate the fun in numbing your lip! I wish I had video rolling of it. It was highly enjoyable.

Everyone excited for toothpaste and dental floss in your stocking???!! In years past, I may rolled my eyes, but this year is a completely different story.

What's My Problem?

My home away from home...the orthodontist's office. Oh yes, I was there again today. Why you may ask? Because it was time to chop the wire!!! As you may recall, the wire I thought I could deal with thanks to boat-loads of wax...defeated me. I decided it was time to do something about it.

So, the good news is, the wire poking is gone. But OF COURSE...a new issue has already developed. My FRONT crazy-ass bracket-thingy is totally cutting into my lip. And a good ol' canker sore is there! Gross! And I will admit it, it's totally kicking the crap out of me. Complete annoyance.

If I was Oprah...this would be my new FAVORITE THING...


One of the dental assistants gave me a sample and I fell in LOVE. Um....how wonderful it feels to completely NUMB your lip! Ha. I may look like a complete retard but DAMN...it feels so good!

Wires in Sophistication

Yesterday the ladies attended High Tea the Penninsula Hotel. It was so total sophistication minus...braces.



Mini sandwiches are not easy with braces -- scone and pasteries are no problem.



We like pretending we're 40 years old.

Wires Do Not Equal 'Dirty'

Last night, as tradition would have it, the gang attended UCB's "Dirtiest Sketch Show - Holiday Themed Edition."


By comparison, I would like to make it clear that none of the following things equal 'dirty':
- gunk-filled braces
- plaque-stained teeth
- chewed-up rubber bands
- used dental wax
- dirty dental floss

What IS dirty, thanks to the UCB "Dirtiest Sketch Show":
- ribbons coming out of rear ends
- dirty Santa's and young boys
- robes tied to private parts that like to move grandma's wheelchair
- whipped cream used for anything
- 2 girls. 1 cup
- Anne Frank


Thank you to our host, Michael Busch, who's show has yet again fulfilled all expectations.

Thank goodness I'm free till next year. Did I mention this show was at midnight?

Primpin' For the Holidays

Today I hit up the salon for my pre-holiday hair sprucin'. I love my hairdresser for many reason but today I loved her for a) not mentioning the enormous zits all over my face and b) not mentioning the braces. In face, she has NEVER mentioned the braces. Love her! So much!

It was a little awkward because after the new color, and somewhat cut and blow-dry, Marianne said, "Your new color makes me look right at your...big,...blue eyes!" The reply, which (thank god) I kept in my head, "...anything to distract from the braces!"

I pray this color lasts longer than four days. I need all the help I can get!

Tonight I am going to quite a SHOW. Oooh there will sure to be stories tomorrow.

Anyone else ready for vacation???

Better Than Staples

It has been 6 months. I remember the good ol' days when I brushed and flossed after every meal. Now, I sit at my desk and...yes, I will admit it....use a paper clip to de-gunk.

This is what has become of me.

Please tell me I'm not the only one.

Is it Christmas yet? I am so ready for a glass of wine and a red eye flight home.

Wired Say Cheese

Last night we had our company holiday party. At the event, we had this kick-ass photo booth company. Just had to share a few pics.

Look how well the Wired Lady did at hiding the wires...

I did such a good job until...THIS ONE....

Ahhhhhhh watch out!!!!

If I Were A Gladiator...

my name would be....METAL.



Yesterday I spent my day staring at enormously large men and women in spandex. That's right, "American Gladiators" is back! NBC and Reveille are putting on a pretty kick-ass show. Not only did I see Hulk and Laila Ali but...I also saw...Steve Sanders (aka Ian Ziering!) Sweet huh? Ha.

Braces may make an appearance on national television. Move over "Ugly Betty"...NBC is supporting the ortho community!

Wired Lady Party Ready

I don't know about you but it looks like I'm ready for some serious holiday fun this weekend. Bring on the parties! How 'bout that holiday sweater????

Bet you're not lookin' at the braces in this pic.
Score!

WL No VIP

Tonight I was at a random holiday party where really, the main purpose of the event was to check everyone else out -- who's there, who's not, who's who, etc. Well, Wired Lady was definitely not a top competitor in the see and be seen game -- it was CLEAR.

Some dude actually asked me - mid sentence, how long I've had my braces for. Um....thanks, Ass Hole. My response, "Um...not long enough." Of course, he didn't appreciate the humor. I so at that moment wanted to be talking to a fellow ortho blogger who'd understand my hilarity.

Tons of pretty people at this party with too pretty of teeth. The only person I felt close to in physical attraction level would be...Steve-O. Hell, he drills holes into random parts of his body...I have braces. I'd say we're even.

Wax is Back

Last week at the ortho I brushed off the routine question at the end of the appointment, "Is anything poking you?" For those of you lucky enough to not have or ever have braces, this is usually asked after putting new wires and 'bling' in your mouth. So, having been asked this question now numerous times, and feeling like quite a pro at this point, I just shrugged off this question and said, "I'm fiiiiine." -- in ever attempt to get outta there and get back to work. Why? Because I'm completely bizarre.

Welp, I screwed up. There is totally a wire poking directly into my cheek. I thought I would toughen up at this point and move on but...after several days of reaching for wax at every moment, I'm thinking...maybe I should call? Even more concerning, I will soon be out of wax (ahhh!) and I have no idea where to buy something like this. Guess when I was asked at my last appointment if I wanted some extra wax I shouldn't have said, "Oooh noooo. (so beneath me) I don't need that stuff anymore. My mouth is totally used to it."

Oh, and by the way, is it dangerous to swallow wax? Definitely have...more than once. Will it sit in my stomach for 10 years like gum? Anyone?

Not Picking My Nose

I may lose my job because of my new rubber bands.

Literally, I was caught numerous times today picking at my bands. How gross is that?!! I am beyond gross! But...I can't stop! Often, I don't even realize I am doing it!

I was actually in the elevator with a fellow co-worker today and didn't realize my new tick, till I was shot the weirdest look. Caught in this awkward moment, I then felt compelled to explain how I think it's best to remove the gunk quickly, then leave the goodies in for future embarrassing conversations.

Am I wrong? I know I am. But really, I don't have time to take 15 minutes for an extensive cleaning and floss during the work day. I am always a mobile dental mistake.

Wires Meet Vod Box

Last night we celebrated Rose's birthday at Nic's Vodka Bar in Beverly Hills. Can you say, delicious? Let's just say, there was no stoppin' the Wired Lady in the Vod Box (well, maybe only coldness).


Vodka bars are braces approved! Cheers to THAT!


No, that is not Anna Wintour.


Favorite, most hilarious photo. Mainly enjoyable because no wires are exposed. Totally posh. Ha!

Pet Peeve

When my mother calls and starts the conversation with, "Soooo, saw on your blog you had a rough time at the orthodontist's office this week."

Yes, Mother.

Where exactly do I go from here?

Here's a tip. If you want to have an enjoyable, free-flowing conversation with the Wired Lady, do not begin by asking about my braces. Let's just say, it sets a certain tone. How am I suppose to respond? Nothing good will come of this.

Back to cleaning and laundry...ugh...fun day.
(Mom, you know I love you)

Blinged...Er...Wired Out

Tonight I smiled for my boyfriend...thus, exposing the new 'bling.' Even he took a step back. Oh yes, there is twice as much metal in my mouth and three times as much gunk stuck up in my grill. You can just call me JOHN (Lil John, that is).



Last night was brutal on my molars. Thanks to my defeating experience at the ortho, I must have had a lot of ortho dreams -- hence, stress and grinding. My neighbors totally hate me. My alarm ran for at least an hour and a half this morning. Whoops.

Defeated Wired Lady

This picture was taken shortly after leaving Dr. Yamada's office today...

Can you say, 'defeated?' I can!

This time around, I thought if I sounded happy with the way my teeth were looking, she would be persuaded to hurry this along -- I was wrong. I even said on numerous occasions, "Soooo, think we can schedule that oral surgeon appointment (ie...braces are done...time for round 2)??" She wasn't playin' my game.

Instead, she gave me this monstrous new wire, with weird pegs poking out....AND...as if that weren't bad ENOUGH...I now have GROSS clear rubber band things strapped on all four-sides of my mouth (as you can see, not a pro on the proper terminology)!!! That's ALL I need, more crevices for more crap to get stuck in MORE teeth!!!! Fantastic. I thought about including a close-up of the new additions but I just can't subject the general audience to that.

You can definitely say, my mood quickly shifted. They forced me to stare into a little hand held mirror to see my new bands and wires. You know that feeling from middle school when you feel like the ugliest, fattest and nerdiest girl in the cafeteria? Yeah. That's the place I was rockin'.

My next appointment is after the new year. And APPARENTLY, I need to see her at least two more times before Relle sees me. Which means, at LEAST 12 more weeks before even setting an appointment with the oral surgeon. Hope you like this blog because it sure as hell will not be coming to an end any time soon.

Thank you for hearing the moody Wired Lady complain tonight...as I pop more and more ibuprofen because I have no feeling my my teeth. Cheers!

No Teeth Here

Last night I was at a (no surprise here) networking event. Met some cool people, enjoyed some delightful wine and...mastered the art of introducing myself without showing my teeth! Hate to brag but, I am sooo getting this one down (although I'm sure many others would disagree).

Later, when home, I turned on the debates and quickly turned them off. Was it me or did anyone else feel like they were in an alternative universe?

Today - 2 PM ortho. More details to come...

Approved!

I was wary about the switch to Crest Pro Health but I gotta say, it was highly enjoyable. It didn't burn....it was refreshing...a lovely wintergreen taste...and...my teeth feel clean!

Not sure on the long-term results but for the time being - I enjoyed this gum-flavored nighttime treat.

On a side note -- why does it feel like every decision I make in my life these days has to do with either my teeth, my braces, or my impending surgery?! Really...I don't think vacation schedules should be subjected to this oral mess. (God I wish I was planning a vacation -- just throwin' out an example). But...you know what I mean. Looking forward to Thursday's check-up to see what the deal is.

A Few Random Wired & Non-Wired Thoughts

Back to work today. A few completely random thoughts from the holiday weekend....

-No one at the reunion mentioned the braces. I almost think this is worse than when people bring up the nerdiness. Gotta wonder what they're thinking.

-Catching up on my weeked Tivo -- what the hell is the deal with Heidi and Spencer?! How fake is this whole wedding thing?! Ugh.

-Damn I wish I had won the dental basket

-I hate the Orange County airport

-I go back to the ortho on Thursday. Looking forward to the next level of wire-intensity. Let's get this show on the road! Is it 2010 yet?!

-Tonight at Ralphs I bought Crest Pro Health because it was on sale. Nervous about this change. I do feel close to my Listerine. I'll let you guys know the results.

-I'm working on my list for Santa. For some reason I can't bring myself to write the need for a juicer/food processor. New underwear sounds more exciting. This may have to wait till my birthday...in June.

Get Me Outta The Airport!

Currently at the airport.

Just got off a flight where the girl next to me was snacking on THIS...

It did not make me happy.

Thank goodness the bar was close.

Braces Attend Boardman Reunion

Last night was the big Boardman High 10-Year Reunion . Wired Lady brought the braces and, I'd like to think, brought some fun. Below are a few observations from attending my first-ever class reunion of a boyfriend who lives in the great state of Ohio.

1. Boxed wine and beer only = classy reunion

And really, I was fine with this. What does this say about me?

2. Swing dancers exist at all high schools.


3. Fun was found at the Maronite Center, diversity was not.


4. Ohioans know the Cupid Shuffle, not Souljah Boy.

Surprising, I thought.

5. Dental basket raffle giveaways rock!


6. Wired Lady didn't win.

But Steve did! Seriously, who else would have wanted that basket?! The biatch who won my basket totally didn't need it.

7. Know the rules of Ohio before attending.


8. I would not have made the Boardman HS football team thanks to the size of my head - yet again, my handicap.


9. School spirit was in attendance.


10. Wires were not. Wired Lady = only wired adult at pre-party, party, and after-party.

Family Dental Plans

Still in a food coma from yesterday (oh, and the leftovers I just consumed minutes ago).

Yesterday was a fantastic day of family, friends and of course, food!

Just wanted to debrief you on two important happenings.

First, the most hilarious moment for family had to be when someone realized Rocky or, as they like to call him, 'Fang,' has an underbite similar to...YOURS TRULY.

Thank you, Family.

Second, this is my cousin Caroline. She is a freshman in high school and is excited to have her braces removed on December 22.

I am so happy for her. Really...I am....so happy.

Braces Bon Appetite!

Happy Thanksgiving to all -- the braced and the un-braced!

I made it to Cleveland. Sorry for the false advertising. Wired Lady did not realize what a pain it is to access free WIFI at the airports across the country. Seriously, ridiculous!

Hope everyone has a yummy and soft-food happy holiday!
Cheers!

Brace Yourself - Wired Lady Hits The Airport

Tomorrow I begin my Thanksgiving adventure at 4 AM. The day will include four cities, 3 lay-overs, 2 checked bags, and a partridge in a...wait...and a braced-face la-a-a-dyyyyy.

Stay tuned for many blogging updates on the state of my travel as the Wired Lady makes her way to the Mid-West.

Braces Aboard

Tonight I got a head start on packing for the Big Thanksgiving Adventure. Yes, that's right, I will be joining the billions of other brave/highly-stupid travelers, as we bond over boredom and flight delays in the airport terminal. It's really a fun game I plan to play, Who Wants To Bet I Will Not Arrive in Time for Turkey??!?! I am already the number one winner.

Ok. Ok. Yes, Steve I will go back to practicing optimism...errr....start practicing optimism.

Just a quick note about packing for braces. While some ortho-buddies may have dental travel kits that look similar to this...


I am choosing to plan for the worst and as a result, my dental kit looks more like this...

I feel it is only necessary. Should I get stuck in the airport for four days, I need to make sure my mint-flavored floss, super-powered water pick, Listerine bottle filled with tequila and extra-flex gum massager are close. Let's just say, I get cranky very easily.

God I hope the wires don't hold me up at security.

Wired Lady Auditions for TMZ

Just a typical Sunday night for the Wired Lady at the Staples Center...


You know...hanging with all my favorite celebs...

Mel Gibson.


Jeremy Piven.


Jeremy Piven & Jim Belushi.


Ellen Pompeo.

And....

Me!

Two more reasons why I love the Staples Center...

They know how to take care of a candy apple...


...and they know the adequate size for a margarita.