Saturday, June 30, 2007

Sleepless in Wires

Couldn't sleep much last night. The teeth are still numb. Damn you NASA wires. Damn you. And why is the Tylenol not working yet?

Thanks for hearing me complain. Do pre-teens/teens complain this much with braces? They weren't kidding when they said they'd put on new, stronger wires.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Becareful What You Ask For

My teeth really hurt right now. New wires today.
It's time for a martini to numb the pain.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Google Alert Love...Please

I set a Google Alert to be notified via email whenever a breaking new story happens regarding adults with braces. I thought it would be important to keep my audience informed on this oh-so-important topic. Well, can you guess how many Google Alerts the Wired Lady has received? Yup. You guessed it. A big zero.

Welp, actually, I did get one. I learned about a woman in Michigan with state-of-the-braces...for her legs.

Tomorrow - it's on Dr. Yamada! The Wired Lady takes a stand at my check-up. There will be demands for some seriously strong wires. It's time to kick this up a notice. Teeth will move, dammit. I will not have braces when my children have braces.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Magical Braces

Wired Lady's "The Office" moment...

Co-Worker: "I remember when I had braces."
Me: "Oh. Yeah?"
Co-Worker: "Yes. It was a magical time."
Me: "Ok. Gotta take this call."

My mother called today to ask if my teeth were straighter.

Thanks, Mom. I appreciate your support.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Good Ol' Granny & Her Dentures

I was in Ralphs today and couldn't help but stare at the fruit. People in the produce section must have thought I was crazy. I looked incredibly lost but the truth was...I was mesmerized by the delicious selection of apples, pears and peaches...all treats that the Wired Lady can't eat normally. And by 'normal' I mean...taking a good ol' bite right into it. Not only do I risk the bracket replacement expense (a burden not aware to Wired Pre-Teeny) but seriously, it's a braced-lady's worst flossing nightmare.

I heard Dr. Yamada's voice in my head saying...soft foods only. I decided it was bullshit. So, as a compromise...I had to go for the white nectarines. Ooooo...ahhhhh. Hello summer goodness!

Back at the rental...Wired Lady, aka 'Granny' was back for business.
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Monday, June 25, 2007

Braces Take a Backseat to Being...WHITE

Tonight my new black friend Stephanie took me to the Mo' Betta Monday Show at The Improv, in every attempt to help me be 'cool.' As you can imagine, Wired Lady definitely stood out amongst the crowd. Not for the braces (forget that)...but...for the obvious reason.

There were many things I learned tonight that are hilarious at the Mo' Betta Monday Show. Below are a few things mentioned that have never been referred to at my normally-attended Wednesday night Caucasian show.

- Ladies! Raise your hand if you've got your credit score lined up!
- Brothers! Raise your hand if you pay your baby's mama's child support!
- Hos! Don't break his neck.
- White people! Don't be afraid.

Maybe the Wired Lady is desirable to black men? On the way out, some fellow by the door said, "Hey...I wanna get to know you better!" I said...see you next Monday!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

My Prayers Have Been Answered

Could quite possibly be the best day of my life...after discovering THIS at Target.

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Review to come. Reason to continue the liquid diet.
How long has this been on the market and why did no one tell me?

Don't Give Attitude to the Lady with Braces

Being the service-oriented person that I am, I thought I would take it upon myself to review LA Magazine's list of "LA's Best New Bars." I know what you're thinking,
"Wired Lady, you are truly too giving to our community." Trust me, I hear it all the time.

With that said, the nice Stephanie at work and I gather the ladies and hit up the first on the list, X BAR. Here's the review, very nice place. Very well decorated, very chic. Cool spot to hang out at...if people were there. Here's the lesson, do not go on a Saturday. This is a 'professional' crowd place, ie...CAA is across the street. Only go during the week and if, and only if, you want to hang out with these types of people.

Also, the customer service at this bar stinks. Well, mainly one, dick-head young man. Ooooh yes, he DID cope attitude with not only the Nice Stephanie but with the Wired Stephanie, as well. I have never been given a bill BEFORE the order was received. I don't care what your 'policy' is. Not everyone at this bar has a hotel room here. So, do not act like I will run out the bar with my orangetini and crab dip plate, before paying. We left shortly after this exchange.

The bar at Sofitel was cool but their valet policy is ridiculous. What would be the point of validating, if there is no discount after 9 PM? Does the valet just like the pretty green stamp?! As you can see, still holding a bit of irritation over here. And...I also have braces.

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The ladies.

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Rose after champagne.

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The HOT Assistants...minus wires, of course.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Perfecting the Lip Cover-Up

It may be my imagination, but I have convinced myself that I am perfecting the art of hiding the braces...with my top lip. This skill is useful when introduced to a new person, and simply say, (with head tilted down) "Hi. Nice to meet you."

If no other words are exchanged, I am 80% sure this new person will not realize you are sporting the training wheels. When more words are exchanged, you are just screwed.

Gross Clubs

Tonight Marissa and I stereotypically attended the big 'industry' party in Hollywood. This party is code-word for...all wanna-be assistants in Hollywood. So, of course/sadly, I fit the bill.

Below is an example of why I hate clubs:

Creepy dude: I love your braces.
Wired Lady: Oh. Yeah?
Creepy dude: Yeah. I have a big fetish with young girls.

Real exchange.

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Spittin' some game.

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Marissa, cute. Stephanie, gross.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Anti Carrots

When wired, do not eat the carrots at Sebastian's in Toluca Lake. This will not make mouths happy.

However, Pinot Grigio will.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Thank You WB For Some Retail Therapy

A sure-fire way to forget you have braces...

Warner Brothers studio lot sale. Every piece of furniture, wardrobe, and prop is on sale for approximately $2. This yard sale heaven on two sound stages = a wired lady forgetting she has braces at the age of 25. This is called therapy. And no was my kind of treatment.

Also good treatment...margaritas and nachos on a Thursday. Happy birthday, Danny!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Take That, Doc!

Tooootally won the phone battle today with nice, curly-haired lady at the front desk! I called. I had control. I spoke clearly. And yes, I may have faked some small amount of power. Welp, the truth is...I tried to use humor in my favor. I simply stated, "Hi. This is Stephanie. I am a patient of Dr. Yamada's. I am the adult with braces."

Insert a few chuckles and what do ya know, a few minutes later (after a couple "let me put you on hold" moments)...totally scored an earlier appointment! Watch out Buena Vista Orthodontics! Tooootally coming to visit next Friday! 9:45 AM. Woo woo!

I wonder if this method will work every time? I don't appreciate them saying, "See you in 6 weeks!" Hell no. I need to be visiting every-other week. Crap. Every other hour. I gotta get this deal done.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Watch Out Whoever Anwers the Phones

I've decided that tomorrow I'm going to call the orthodontics's office and insist they move up my check-up appointment. I can't wait till after the freakin' 4th of July. It's time to start moving this shit along. I know for a FACT that my teeth have not moved since they put these damn things on. And that is exactly what I'm going to say to nice, curly-haired lady at the front desk. I gotta pull some LA-power-trip thing or something. I will be bitchy and demanding and...I'm sure they will shoot me down instantly.

Should I be worried that I finally took the time to seriously floss the tricky back teeth and my mouth is now bleeding? I know, totally gross but thought I should be honest. It's proooobably also time to step up the cleaning regiment. Over the nachos and margaritas, I have become a little lazy.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Hello New Coupons

It's no secret, I love a good coupon. So, you can imagine the excitement when the grocery store coupons shoot out of the register after payment is complete. I'm ALWAYS pumped to see what goodies I'll get at bargain prices next week. Will I get a $.50 coupon on Morning Star Breakfast Paddies or a free 2 liter bottle of Diet Sprite?! I know, my life is riveting.

But, after this week's grocery store purchase, I noticed a little trend in my coupon distribution. I used to get coupons for the wine I get coupons that look like this....

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That's right, multiple coupons in a single purchase for dental products. Seriously, the cashier at Ralphs looked at the coupons...looked at my face....and gave an obvious chuckle.
I miss the tampon coupons the most.

The Bee Needed Some B-r-a-c-e-s

As a wired individual, I was rooting for the musical but was highly disappointed. The characters were cute, but really?! braces?! How could a musical about high school nerds be wired free???? Also...incredibly too we really need a ballad about a kid's dad who didn't show up because his wife is in India?

I don't think.

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Last night at the performance of the "25th Annual Putnum Spelling Bee," Steve Guerrieri was plucked from the audience to compete. Mr. Guerrieri can spell "Mexicans" but do not ask him to spell "cat."

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Muchas Braces

A special thanks to everyone who stopped by El Guapo last night. Thanks for the tequila, margaritas, and paying your respects to the Wired Lady. Thanks for an excellent time!

Also, a special thanks to Dusty & Rachel for the cleaning bristles and orthodontic wax.
You know it's a fav. :)

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Look at those straight, beautiful teeth!

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Love the lime look.

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I should have used the lime-technique

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Just random.

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The OHS reunion - El Guapo style

Babies & Braces

Yesterday at Alex's housewarming party I was mocked by a 9-month-old. That's right. Apparently, babies love braces. I'm standing in a group of people and everyone is suddenly surprised that Aiden has taken a particular liking to me. After a few minutes, and after realizing he's zeroing in on my mouth, I look at Steve and say, "He likes my braces!!!" Everyone roars in LAUGHTER! And then the baby is LAUGHING and doing more LAUGHING. And then the baby is showing me HIS teeth. And opening and closing HIS mouth. This went on for what seemed like many many minutes. The baby's mom kept saying, "He's flirting with you!" Ughhh, no, I don't think so. At 9-months your baby already knows that braces stand out in a crowd, they are goofy looking, make people laugh and rightfully so, you can laugh at them.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Cantaloop - Good for Paris...Good for Braces!

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After hearing Paris Hilton reportedly stopped by (before going to the big house) Cantaloop, the new frozen yogurt place close by, I knew I had to do a little taste testing for the braces. Not being Pinkberry, I was automatically a little skeptical.

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However, it can be announced publicly that...braces LOVE Cantaloop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So good. The guy working there told me the story when Paris showed up. Apparently, there were two separate times. The first with friends, the second by herself. She had a one loop regular with extra mango. After picking up her treat at the counter, she did a runway walk for all the paparazzi right out the door. Fun fact - apparently the paparazzi were screaming at the Cantaloop customers to "Get out of Paris's way! Don't you know this is Paris Hilton?!"

How rude.

Friday, June 15, 2007

25 and Alive!

Kicked off the 2-5 birthday weekend by hearing about 2.5 songs at the O.A.R. show at The Wiltern.

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Meet Cupcake.

Waking up as a twenty-five year old this morning I realized a few things...
1 - Nobody notices your braces when your friend is projectile vomiting next to a tamale stand
2 - I hate the gay manager at The Wiltern
3 - I am nowhere near the correct age to be responsible for someone else's life. I should just stick to watering my plants and flossing my teeth

It's gonna be a good year.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Birthday Cards When Braceful

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I only hope and pray I can look THIS good when I'm wire-free.

Thank you Dr. Lee. And yes, you do "Take My Smile to Heart."

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Registry for a Wired Lady

I know what you're thinking, "What in the world should I get the Wired Lady for her birthday?" Welp, besides bottles of alcohol...your answer is here!

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Available for $12 at
William Sonoma

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Braces & BBQ

Today while picking up my boss's lunch (yes, I am important and successful), I spotted someone with braces - and, of course, I automatically assumed we would instantly be friends! I was incredibly excited. Meet Jorge at Ribs USA (highly recommend the bbq chicken, might I add)! As Jorge rang up the order, I spotted some 'tracks.' Without much thought, I just jumped right to it...."How old are you?" Who knows what the hell he was thinking. He probably thought I was hitting on him. Getting excited that he could be considered a real, live adult with braces (like me), I prepared to pull out the digi cam to take my first brace-a-licious pic.

Jorge's response....


I was extremely disappointed. Don't trust a Mexican mustache to indicate age.

Still no brace-a-licious pic on the blog. I just don't think 18 is really old enough to feel bad for him. He's probably still in high school. I'm thinking I've gotta shoot for cohorts who are 20+. Everyone agree?

Monday, June 11, 2007

Customer Service To Those With Braces

I have recently come to the conclusion that people are nicer to you when you have braces. It's most definitely a trend I'm seeing in the world of the Wired Lady. And I've decided that it's only because people feel bad for you. This revelation only holds true at public places - the grocery store, Old Navy and Coffee Bean. This 'niceness' does not follow into the workplace, home life or anywhere people have to deal with you for more than 3 minutes. But for what it's worth, I am definitely going to take advantage of this little perk. If only the hostess could see my braces over-the-phone when I try to get a damn restaurant reservation in the 7-8 hour time span!

Maybe I would get free stuff (or at least a discount) if I pretended to be blind and had braces? You never see that one.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Tonys Support Train Tracks

Since beginning this little blog, I said any person I met with braces, I would take my picture with them and post it. Of course, no surprise here...I have yet to meet another adult with braces.

So, tonight, as I caught the end of The Tony Awards, I was simply elated to see American Idol turned Broadway semi-star Fantastia belting it out...with BRACES! The average viewer probably missed the bling, but I spotted them right away and after a little tivo action, my instincts were confirmed. She really has mastered the art of hiding them. God knows I won't be singing any time soon.

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Vampires & Wired Ladies Like The Dark

Last night the braces took a vacation.

First - the girls and I went to the John Mayer concert (insert swoon) at the Hollywood Bowl. Let me tell you, totally cool!

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Even though this was my view. HA! They don't lie when they say 'obstructed view' before purchasing on Ticket Master

But nonetheless, I love that I can actually walk to the Hollywood Bowl from my apartment. With the thousands and thousands of seats in that place, it was completely insane that we end up sitting next to a girl we went to high school with. How freakin' random is that!? Shannon and her drunk friends were a total blast.
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Shannon (class of '99) on the right

So, back to the braces. The important thing to remember about having braces as an adult is...concerts are your friend. Why? Darkness!!!!!

Next on the agenda - Michael Busch's birthday party at the most random of all places...the basement of the Ramada Inn Hollywood. Another excellent stop for the girl with braces. Why? Also...darkness...comedians...and an old-school DJ.

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This picture accurately depicts the sketchiness of the evening. Rose looks like she's on a coke binge

Friday, June 8, 2007

Braces & Balls

Dodger Night! It was time to take the braces to the ball game! The Mexicans loved my braces. They kept cheering and waving towels in the air. It was a grand ol' time. A few lessons to take away from this evening at the ball park.

#1 - Bring cash.
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#2 Bring your sombrero
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#3 Bring your Dodgers poncho
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(Hell yeah! "Ugly Betty" represent!!!!!!!!!!!!

#4 Bring on the Dodger Dogs (even with wires)
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#5 And as always, the nachos were brought!
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Thursday, June 7, 2007

The Drug Denial

Not the most thrilling post but kind of important...the oral surgeon finally called back today. I get a lovely call from Dr. Relle early this morning (feeling fantastic from the festivities the night before) on my way to work. Hooray! I give him the low-down on the grinding and extreme morning pain...blah blah blah. In the Nick B. voice ("Booooo-ring!") The good news is, he doesn't want to put me on any kind of anti-depressants. Hooray! I won't get fat...from drugs. (Only beer & nachos!) The bad news, I just have to deal with the pain till the whole (fun!) process is over. Hello, ADVIL!!! Once the process is over, and if I'm still clenching (which he highly doubts), I will be the sexy, NON-WIRED lady with...a mouth guard. HOT! Right, Steve?

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

New Shoes Blamed For Wired Attention

I decided to break out the new, oh-so-hot shoes tonight. And all I can say is...BIG mistake. Who would have thought the shoes would expose the braces?! For the record....

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Pretty Drinks Like This...Not To Blame

Yes, the Wired Lady enjoyed a cocktail while celebrating Emily's birthday at Trader Vics but the shoes are solely to blame for her embarrassing fall on the way back from the front of the whole restaurant. That's right, totally hit the FLOOR of the restaurant. As if the braces aren't embarrassing enough?! I, of course, HAVE to fall like a drunken idiot...and THEN show everyone in a crowded restaurant I am the pathetic 20-something in braces. For the millionth time...I was the shoes...not the rum. Seriously. I'm for serious this time.

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Rose with Parrot (included simply because it's hilarious)

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Oh-So-Happy in Braces

The toothless smile has failed me again.

Ugh! So, I was out on a run during work hours and stopped at a red light. I look to my left and see a huge truck parked in front of my favorite coffee stop. I see the driver smiling in my direction and I look to my right wondering, who the hell is he smiling at? Let me just clarify, it was an awkward cheesy/creepy smile. So, I look back at him and give him the Toothless-Stephanie-Doesn't-Really-Care-About-You-But-
Still-Doesn't-Want-You-Knowing-I Have-Braces-Smile. I then look ahead hoping the light has turned green. Just my luck...of course not. THEN! The random truck driver has the odacity to say to me, "Smile girl and have a good day!" My instant reaction is to toss my head back and give him a I-Will-Pretend-That's-Funny-But-Hate-You-Laugh.

First - Was he insinuating that I am not happy? Two - Do I really look that unhappy when I drive? Three - Do I really look that unhappy when I smile without teeth? Third - How dare he think I am unhappy! Fourth - Am I the only person that doesn't waste my time giving braces-full smiles to anyone?!

I hate truckers. And you know what, I don't have to be pleasant if I don't want to me! Especially on a run.

Scheduling Time to Brush

While scheduling is part of my profession, I really need to work on bettering scheduling my own day. Yesterday I missed my post-lunch brush (which I surprising find strangely relaxing) and let me just tell you...big mistake. Sitting in a meeting with rice stuck in your braces is really fun and is sure to put you on the fast track. It's not good when you're afraid to open your mouth. And knowing my history of facial expressions, I'm sure it wasn't award-winning, non-verbal communication.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Senior Citizen Wired Lady

This afternoon at the mall I saw a glimpse into my future.

I was in the bathroom and at the sink was an elderly woman brushing her teeth! She was brushing really hard and I have to say, I was impressed with her effort. She kept brushing and brushing (certainly adhering to the 2 minute rule) and then...out of nowhere...she popped her teeth out!!! And as if she was the only person in the bathroom, she simply continued to brush her 'appliance.'

I felt oddly close to this woman.
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Ouch! Why Can't I Dream of Beaches and Puppies?!?!

I have a confession to make.

I clench and grind my teeth at night. Ahhh! I know...shockingly personal! But it's not good. Last night was probably the last straw when I woke up because I slammed my teeth into my tongue! Who the hell wakes up with tongue pain? Could I please have a few more things wrong with my face!? Please! Dear lord.

So, when I was at the orthodontist's office on Friday, I thought we should probably address the problem (being that the cash flow is going directly into the teeth, I need to make sure I don't screw it up in any way). I've definitely taken my stress out on my teeth for a while now. Actually, the first time I learned of this 'tick' was one night at my Grandma's house. My sister was sleeping in the bed across the room and screamed at me to stop playing with my retainer. I then informed her...I was not WEARING a retainer. Welcome Stephanie Teeth Issue #177.

So, any way, I tell Yamada about the grinding and she looked both concerned and confused. Not a good feeling for the patient. She said she'd contact my oral sugeon to see what he suggests. She's worried because a night guard would screw up my 'treatment.' She asked if I was open to taking medication. Apparently, some sort of anti-depressant is taken to cure this problem. Um...WEIIRD!!!!! I don't want to be on no-dos for the rest of my life! That's what the alcohol is for! Kidding!!!!! I then responded by saying, "I'm not all natural!" I realized later how weird that response was. I hope she doesn't think my boobs are fake.

So, at the moment, I'm waiting on a call back from Stephanie Teeth Team Member #3 - aka the oral surgeon.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Wired Lady Gets Knocked Up

Don't get the wrong idea, Mom.

Last night the 'gang' gathered for a little "Knocked Up" action. And you know what? It was pretty freakin' good! And I do believe this had nothing to do with the pre-gaming of margaritas. Stephanie actually enjoyed a 'male' comedy. I know, a shocker...right, Steve?

An important lesson was learned last night regarding having braces and doing a tequila shot. Alert the media! Those of us 'wired adults' have a seriosly handicap when properly doing a tequila shot. Step 1 - salt. Totally not a problem. Totally enjoyed it. Step 2 - tequila. Also not a problem. Not the same without the rita but, for the most part, also enjoyed it. Step 3 - the lime. Ah! Here's where the problem lyes. Defintely can't bite right into the lime - hence hindering the shot experience. If, after a few more rounds of such shots existed, I might be willing to take the risk and delve into the lime. But being this was the first and only shot consumed...I wasn't drunk enough to play that game. Ooooh no, I wasn't going to be picking bits of lime out of the iron shelving unit for the rest of the night. So, disadvantage. I, the poor and innocent Wired Lady, could merely suck the blessed lime.

Ooooooh the problems of a 20-something with braces.