Sunday, September 30, 2007

Send My Liver (& Wires) to Hudson

What can I say? The 2nd Annual OU Entertainment Group Alumni Bobcat Shuffle...met all of my expectations.
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This is what happiness in braces looks like.

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There was fun...

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There were festivities...

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And of course, there were nachos...someone else's nachos.

Really, the majority of the day was spent fielding questions like..."When did you get braces?", "How long have you had your braces on for?", and the stand-by..."You do know those braces turn me on...right?" Um...gross.

But not as gross as....
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...freakin' ranch dressing spilled all over my foot!

For those of you who want a much more detailed recap (cough cough Jamie Kelly), just call all the usual suspects....collectively we may be able to do so.

Let's just say, 'The Game' was played.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Carbs Meet Braces

Tonight, a carb dinner in preparation for tomorrow's mind-blowingly awesome festivity - The Shuffle. To some, it is a procedure used to randomize a deck of playing cards. To those of us lucky enough to know the Burrito Buggy and Court Street, it means so much more.

Looking forward to my favorite flavor of toothpaste. Just hope I get home to experience it. A full re-cap (no pun intended) on Sunday.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Braces on the Road to Success?

Today at work there was a panel discussion for the 'Emerging Professionals,'...aka assistants (like me). All in all it was a great event (especially because my boss spoke and totally kicked ass), but there was one little comment made that I have to say, I didn't like so much.

Ok -- so, one of the women on the panel seemed timid. She wasn't speaking very loudly or forcefully, you could say not too much power was really 'emerging.'

Then, round two of question and answer and she says, "You'll have to forgive me. I'm talking quietly because I'm trying to hide my adult braces."

What?!!!! At first I was like...AWESOME! Not only an adult with braces but a highly SUCCESSFUL adult with braces (I totally wanted to take my pictures with her). But THEN I thought...hold up! That's kind of offensive. Why in the world would you change your speaking tone, especially in front of a huge audience, because of the wires? Should I be speaking more softly?! Whaaaaat? You could totally tell she was embarrassed of them, why else would she use self-deprecating humor to explain the situation (hello Wired Lady Blog?!)?

It was completely bizarre. For anyone out there with braces who is asked to speak in front of a large audience, please learn from this.

It doesn't matter what you look like...from row 3 I couldn't see a thing anyway.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Encountered: Wired Fetish/Zero Comedy

Who: Waiter/Wanna-Be Door Man
What: A Total Teen/Braced-Face Fetish (grosssssssss)
When: Tonight
Where: The Improv on Melrose
How: Creepy smiles and eye-contact directly solely at the wires

Only other wired fetish encounter...see blog entry
Gross Clubs

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Wired & Delirious

After work, I ran to Best Buy to stand in line with my fellow braced-faced teenage friends to purchase...

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HALO 3!!!! Wooo hooo! Finish the fight! Awesome! My life is complete. Um....


Instead, I spent my evening doing bicep curls with my HUGE-ass bottle of Listerine.

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Some people are proud of their big cars, I am proud of my family-sized bottle of my favorite 24-hour antiseptic.

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How cool am I?

My life has hit an all-time low.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Spotted: Four Eyes in a Cubicle

Due to the fact that I'm still trying to kick this little sinus/cold thing (thanks to my dentist), I wore my glasses to work today. My eyes always burn when I'm sick. Am I the only one? Anyway, despite the fact that I felt like crap, oddly enough, I received quite a few compliments regarding my glasses. Interesting....right?

True story --
Nameless Co-Worker: I love your glasses!
Wired Lady: Thanks!
Nameless Co-Worker: You should wear your glasses more often!
Wired Lady: Really? Maybe I should?!
Nameless Co-Worker: You really should. You've got that sexy secretary thing going on.
Wired Lady: (insert awkward chuckle)
Nameless Co-Worker: Oh! Well, thinking back on it, I guess when I had braces I always hated wearing my glasses too.
Wired Lady: (insert extreme facial expression illustrating shock about this never-thought-before realization)

Damn. Now I will never wear glasses again.
And if you are reading this Nameless Co-Worker, thank you for giving me a story.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Wires Anti-oxidents

This morning I mingled with the all-natural, holistic super-humans at the Health & Wellness Expo/Yoga Walk. With my Coach leather bag in hand, you can imagine how well I blended in. But nonetheless, I took full advantage of the healthy amenities.

A crazy woman with dreadlocks rubbed cocoa butter on my hands, a hippie offered to digitally read my aura for $40, and I was introduced to 'the French woman's health secret'...
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Among other things, I learned when rocking out with braces....
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The Lara Bar wins for softness.

And MOST IMPORTANTLY...stay the hell away from 'GOJI BERRIES.'
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This should not be hard to do.
Let's just say, Wired Lady experience was a minor trauma at the Real Tibetan Goji Berry booth.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Wires Hit Campus

Today I experienced life as a college student with braces.

That's right, I took my first UCLA extension course and I will admit, I was pretty freakin' excited about it.

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Can you see the excitement through my braces?!!

Call me a nerd but the thought of getting to go to class, meet people my age, and hold a number 2 pencil, was pretty amazingly sweet.

While I was nervous about bringing the wires to class, I was soon reminded of an important part of high education -- the habitation of ugly people.

A few too many years back, while in college, if someone told me I had to get braces,I would have died. Literally. No, seriously. Like....jumped over the Richland Bridge.

But here's what I learned tooootally doesn't matter. As long as they're unshaven girls with pegged jeans and plastic barrettes in their hair, and hairy guys with t-shirts of solar systems, there is a place for braces on every campus in this country!

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God bless the union of higher education and orthodontia.

Friday, September 21, 2007

My Dentist Got Me Sick

One important tidbit I intentionally didn't mention from my oh-so-fun trip to the dentist on Wednesday was...she was sick! Why didn't I mention it? Oh, I dunno, maybe was totally gross!

But really, she was. I didn't say anything about it but what the hell was I suppose to do? She was sniffling with her gross mask on...ugh!!!

I swear, the only thing worse than being knowing that you're getting sick. It's like...should I fight it (if so, how?! at this point I am beyond Airborne) or just sit back and play this horrible waiting game. Welp, in true Wired Lady fashion, I plan to ignore it and keep truckin' along.

I'm sure it will work out really really well in the end.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Wired Nation

I know I'm a day late but I just finished watching "Kid Nation" on CBS.

I would just like to say...I have never been more proud to have braces and naturally, to be associated with these AMAZING children. If you tuned in you probably took note that many of these 8-14 year olds are wired.

Wired and brave. Wired and smart. Wired and carried water towers. And my goodness, they were even wired and cooked!
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Congrats to my fellow friends on surviving 4 days in Bonanza Town. Looking forward to following the next 36 days, to not only see how you buid a town, but more see how straight your teeth become.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Mother Fu**** Dentist

Totally went to the dentist today. Totally failed miserably. That's right. For all the freakin' minutes spent gargling with the gross-ass Listerine and meticulously flossin'...did it pay off?...HELL NO! I am an ortho hygiene failure. Ortho school drop-out...hard core.

Scratch...scrape...scratch...scrap some more...I hate the dentist. The whole time my Russian-right off the boat-doctor said, "Are you ok?!" NO!!! It freakin' hurts. Could you please not grind your little mirror into my gum line?! Thanks so much.

At the end of the morning from hell...the verdict was in...instead of a bi-yearly cleaning, I should come in after Christmas.

The honest truth is, I don't know what else I can do. I have to eat. I have to drink. More importantly, I have to drink Diet Coke.

So, in summation...fuck the dentist. And for all that...I couldn't even use my coupon!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

We Shall See

Tomorrow morning I'm off to the dentist for my bi-yearly cleaning. I'm a little apprehensive. How exactly are they going to clean my teeth with wires? I was nervous when setting the appointment, and was sure to mention my current 'condition.' To my surprise, the receptionist sounded more exited than usual. Weird, I know. Perhaps this is a fun time for dental assistants? Something a little more out of the ordinary? A freak show of sorts?

Personally, I would think my 'disorder' would cause more work for my trusty dental team. I just hope Dr. Lee is there tomorrow. Last time she told me a story of, as a child, she would dream of living in America and having 'doll-like' blue eyes (her words, not mine) like me. I always appreciate her randomness. She also loves a good xray.

Time to allot approximately 30 minutes to dental hygiene....

You know you do it too. It's the ol' Better Floss So The Dentist Thinks I Do It Regularly Action Plan. Then, at the appointment, your gums totally bleed. I know, gross. But I like to consider this a 'safe place.'

Wish me luck tomorrow!

Monday, September 17, 2007

Just Call Me Tom Selleck

As if having braces as a 20-something was bad enough...

I now have a braces mustache (or a bractache, as I like to call it).

No joke. My Vietnamese waxer confirmed. She said...because of my braces...the sun hits my lip first -- causing a darker upper lip --- and giving my face a furry look. Every time I go in to get the eyebrows waxed she says, "Upper lip too?! Lot of hair. Lot of hair."

Well, it's confirmed....not hair. Just a braces-tache. Steve likes to make me feel better and say it's the reflection. He knows the truth.

Chalk it up to my awesome life in braces. For those of you with braces, save $10...and skip the lip wax. It won't do a thing. Instead, invest in concealer.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Furture. Sex. Love. braces.

JT concert tonight. I was really hoping for the 'money shot' -- with a bunch of 12 and 13 year olds in braces. Is that so wrong? Sure enough...they wouldn't even let me in with my camera. Totally had to walk back to the car. Ugh. I sound like a freak show.

Never again in my life will I eat chicken 'selects' from McDonalds. You can hold me to it.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Metal Meets Metal

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That's right...the Wired Lady DOMINATED (ie...finished without medics needed) the Nike Remix Run this morning. To be honest, I was petrified going into it. I was sure I would be reliving my middle school days of dry heaving after being forced to run the mile in gym BRACES!

But hell no...totally ran 5 miles -- no stopping. Shocking, right? I'm still shocked myself...along with my throbbing feet.

Let's just forget the fact that the Nike Remix Run included beer stands and an MC Hammer performance afterwards. That's right, I am so hardcore.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Loves Jews, Hate My Face

First and foremost I would like to say, I love Jewish holidays.

Sadly, thanks to two glasses of wine last night and some crazy dreams, my jaw freakin' killed all day. What is my deal?!?! Why must I take it out on my teeth??? Why can't I just wake up in a cold sweat?! Whyyyy? Welp, because that would be too easy and because that would save me thousands of dollars, that's why. My best friend Tylenol wasn't even strong enough today. It's 11:03 PM and my face still aches. Talk about Wilma the Whiner. Sorry.

I'm just mad that something so ridiculous hindered my love of traffic-free LA, a nice long lunch, and zero phone calls.

Happy Rosh Hashanah to all!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Shhhhh. Secrets.

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It's happened. I have completely hit the point where I don't care what I eat any more. Chips, gummies, cashews, jolly ranchers...bring it on! Provide me strength NASA wires!

Yup...that's right -- it's only 3 months in and I'm already at this point. (holy crap. how depressing that it's only been 3 months. keep sharp objects away from me.).

In 3 weeks I will be chewing gum and enjoying a Costco supply of Airheads.
P.S. Above is my favorite new pic. I have no idea why.

An equally enjoyable pic...
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Monday, September 10, 2007

Braceless but Shameless

Finally, the geeks with braces put up a fight!

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I may have braces but at least I wasn't one of the trashed Hollywood girls showcased on TMZ this evening.
For those of you who missed it -- shame on you. Watch. Now.
So good.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Breaking News: I Found One!!!!

Definitely the most awkward conversation of my LIFE but....
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I found an adult with BRACES!!!

Date: Saturday, September 8th, 2007
Location: The Shore, Hermosa Beach, CA
Approximate time: 6:30 PM PST
Wired Individual: Bartender at The Shore. I believe her name was Lindsay but to be honest, the mystery beverage consumed prior was a little on the strong side.

*A special thanks goes out to Nicholas who texted Steve..."tell steph...bartender at the shore...has braces!"
That's what friends are for. And...congrats to my new wired friend who gets her braces off in a month!

I am so happy for you. This blog will still be around in 2010.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

My Favorite Coupon Ever!

I admit it, I only get the Sunday paper to clip coupons. There! I said it. I love to save 50 cents when buying twice as much of something I probably don't need anyway. It's a little weird, I know.

But either way, you can imagine my sheer JOY when opening a personalized letter from Dr. Nancy Lee, with a coupon to the DENTIST!!!!! Hello heaven!

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That's right, I am a wonderful patient. Finally, a little well-deserved credit.

That's right, thanks to my 'referral', I not only get a $25 coupon good at my next appointment (forget the fact that my co-pay is only 10 bucks), I also received a hand-written note from the doctor herself!! How about that for customer service?! Sushi Dan could use a few tips from the Media Center Dental Queen herself.

How much better could my Saturday afternoon be?! -- A coupon to the dentist, my laundry is already done, and I'm off to afternoon drink at the beach.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Please Stay Ugly

Things that are NOT cool....

Seeing the cover of THIS magazine...
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I don't know about you, but I certainly do not feel any joy seeing America Fererra looking attractive. It hurts me. I feel like our friendship has ended. It's like where your friend decides to go on a diet and loses a ton of weight --- also, not cool. Let's be honest, you no longer enjoy their company as much, especially when they pass on the nachos and guac.

But seriously, America, if you are listening...please stop playing this whole makeover switcheroo game. Fine fine, we know you're not the character 'Ugly Betty' but please don't taunt the braces community with ability to toss the wires aside and say, "Hell nooooo, I'm not really ugly - like girls with braces!"

The more you can continue looking like this...
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...the better!!!

(btw...get ready for Halloween, people. I bet you'll never guess who I'm going to be -- that is, assuming I win my next Ebay auction for ponchos.)

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Nerds Loves Braces

I forgot to mention...

While not directly braces-related (other than when you think of 'nerds' you gotta think 'braces'), I saw the best documentary ever made on Sunday night --
"King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters"

Go see this movie. Now.
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More than hilarious. Go Steve! Damn you, Billy.

Deaf Thanks to Braces

Today was one of those days where nothing I said, my boss could hear. It must have been the braces.
Me: "I have So-And-So on the phone!!!".....

Literally!... everything I said today..incomprehensible.
Damn you braces.

Business drinks tonight. Good times, minus the flamenco dancer's freakin' tap shoes. So loud. So freakin' loud. But nonetheless, I heart industry gossip. Joe Mohr, you bastard.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Damn You Progresso

I have discovered yet another weakness...braces blockage. If something gets stuck in my braces (particularly the back brackets where the tongue has trouble reaching), I loose all control. I was a madwoman today trying to un-gunk. Poor Stephanie R. had to experience the repercussions of moments of weakness such as this firsthand -- total loss of concentration. Steph R. was asking me something (I can't even recall what) and while I tried to pay attention, the truth is, I couldn't!! I had to eliminate the piece of carrot stuck in my back bracket - stat!!! Finally, after what felt like an eternity, I discovered the box of toothpicks in the bottom drawer of my desk. Stephanie R. looks at me with utter disgust and confusion and says, " exactly is it possible for you to get something stuck in your braces when you're eating soup?!"

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I'm a wired mess. But damn it felt so good after all was clear.

I'm sure all 20-somethings deal with issues like me.

Monday, September 3, 2007


Forgot to mention two wired adult sightings this weekend.

1 - in line behind me at Pinkberry.
2 - receptionist at Burke Williams

Ironically, in both locations, photography is strictly prohibited. Story of my life. I just couldn't bring myself to ask the girl in line at Pinkberry to step outside with me so I could take her picture. There's no way in hell that wouldn't have sounded incredibly creepy.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

No Braces Fetishes in Hollywood

Because my life is just like the lives of the girls on "The Hills," last night I thought it was time to try Bella. No signs of LC or Heidi, but....

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seriously, it's like we're twins!
The H-Ladies have nothing on us! And no, I did not photoshop my mouth gray but yes, the flash reflection is due to my metal.

Next up was a few drinks at The Grill where we found Quentin T at the bar.

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I thought for SURE Quentin would have a braces fetish and I would totally score a pic for Steve.
Lesson learned - Q likes Asian ladies, not wired ladies.

A New Woman

Yesterday I took the sis to experience the heaven that is Burke Williams. It was, without a doubt, the best trip to BW in my life! Why do you ask? Oh, yes. I met my Ukrainian masseuse Larissa with the strongest handshake I've ever experience (a fantastic sign off the bat)! Can you say, JAW massage?!?! Oh. My. God. A Wired Lady's freakin' heaven.
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If you have braves, call Larissa. Yes, I am a new woman because of it.