Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Yes, I am Wearing a COSTUME!

I kid you not, people at work today thought I chose to wear the poncho as a fashion statement. Seriously! Many people (especially men & my boss = super) did not 'get' the "Ugly Betty" joke...even on HALLOWEEN!!!!!

I swear, it was 3 PM (over half-way through the day) and someone in my boss's office asked, "Is that a blanket?" I said, "Nooooo! I'm Ugly Betty." My boss (also in the room) looked up and said, "Oooooooh" (insert sigh of relief her assistant hadn't jumped off the deep end).

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This means a few SIGNIFICANT things...

1. I look so much like UGLY BETTY every day of my life -- no one noticed I was in costume
2. People think I have awful fashion sense and were not taken aback by the enormous and brightly colored Guadalajara 'blanket' I was sporting all day
3. My braces are a year late -- Ugly Betty was sooo the cool costume last year. This year, people thought I just looked sad.

Next year, when I re-use the costume because I am still the freak in braces, maybe I will be considered 'vintage?' That would be cool.

Trick or Freak?! Happy Halloween!

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The sad part is, this really didn't require much of a costume. And I am totally wearing this to work today.

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Free dental floss to anyone who can accurately guess what Megan and Rose are suppose to be!!!

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I kid you not, at this Halloween party on Saturday, strangers actually asked to take pictures with us. How creepy/incredibly SAD is that??!?!

The question on everyone's mind..."Where did you get the braces???!"

My answer...


Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Wires Don't Know Meat

As an assistant, I tend to wear many 'hats.' So, this evening, as my boss ran to a meeting, she asked I call ahead and order Ribs USA for pick-up. Easy enough, right?! That's what I thought...until I was asked by the scratchy-voiced man taking my order, "baby back or beef?" What? Ugh! I didn't ask her! I have no clue!

Lesson learned -- as an individual with braces, I know nothing about ribs. This may be a stretch but seriously, no idea. Wired assistants should be allowed to forfeit this request.

All I can say is...thank goodness for interns! After hearing my complete confusion over the phone, Anishka so confidently yelled out, "baby back!!!!" For such a super-skinny young gal, she does know meat. surprise here...also has beautiful teeth.

My time in wires is full of so many super-exciting revelations. Don't you agree? Ha.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Drooling Wires

With Halloween around the corner, I will admit, I'm dealing with a little 'issue.'

That's 'issue' with....THIS...
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I just want to do...THIS...

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But I KNOW I will end up like...THIS...

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It's all I can think about!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Ok. Thank you for letting me pay homage to my little addiction of the past 24-hours. I gave into the candy corn addiction -- along with the gummies, peanuts and potato chips. I worked all these braces-eating handicaps out. I like to think I mastered techniques. But this one, this one I just can't figure out.

If anyone out out there has a trick or solution for dealing with this candy craze, please let me know. Visualizing my Jello Pudding Pop as a delicious sugary-filled, candy-crusted apple...AIN'T workin'.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

No, Wait! It's Me!!!

A weird thing happened yesterday. I was at Ralphs, paying for my groceries when I heard someone shout my name. I turn around to see who it is, and the person looks right at me and says "Whoops. Never mind. I thought I knew you!" Before I had time to process this bizarre moment and reply, this person was gone! How weird is that?! It happened so quickly.

I totally knew who it was...and he knows who I am. What the heck?! Am I that unrecognizable!??!?! Forget the hair's TOTALLY...

THE BRACES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Meet Ramona Quimby ...The Wired

Forget "Ramona the Great" & "Ramona The Pest"...Beverly Cleary never mentioned....
"Ramona The Wired!"

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I'm just saying....sometimes we all make mistakes. Reverting to looking like an elementary school fictional cartoon character is more than likely not the goal -- but of course, totally my life.

Home is Where...The Brushing Station Hits My Knees

Yesterday I was at my home away from home...the orthodontist's office.

The good. Speculation I will be seeing Dr. Relle, the oral surgeon, at the beginning of the year.

The bad. Going back to my home away from home for some re-cementing, realigning and whatever else they do.

The ugly. The cost of additional xrays and molds. Hooray!

Today's forecast from KNBC in Los Angeles, SUNNY & SMOKEY!
Have a great day Everyone!
Breathe in that quality O2.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

This Just In...

Wired Lady to attend Blog World Expo in Vegas!

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Ortho-bloggers...let's represent!!!! Let me know if you'll be in town. We will do drinks over wires.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Go Women...Even in Braces!

Today I had the honor of attending the CA Women's Conference. It was definitely one of those days where I thought to myself, "Damn, I love my job!"
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Even after waking up at 4:30 am to head to Long Beach and returning late at night, I am still beaming on Super-Woman Empowerment Mode! I gotta sign up for community service before this buzz wears off! The Wired Lady will give back...and it will have nothing to do with dental hygiene.

A few things to quickly mention...
1. Maria Schriver is my new hero. I wish I could ask her to be my mentor, so we can get coffee, hang out, and laugh about my braces. Either that or... my future daughter's name might be Maria.
2. Elizabeth Edwards is an angel.
3. And most importantly...the best freebie of the day...
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Monday, October 22, 2007

Bonding Over Braces

A co-worker of mine only recently shared the fact that she had braces installed only weeks before she started college. Woa! This was serious info. While I have always respected her beyond belief, this new fact sends my admiration into the stratosphere. Talk about a new-found respect! While braces after college sucks, I gotta say, attending keggers in wires might be worse.

Gotta love bonding (no pun intended) over braces.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

God Bless Ice Cream

Today I treated myself to the remaining ice cream that had been sitting in my freezer for quite a while. All I can say is, it was freakin' heaven to my MOUTH!!! I seriously would have paid money to experience the heaven of this frozen goodness, which massaged my chompers, all the while finishing up on my Oprah Tivo-watching from the week. Nothing beats numbing your jawline with SUGAR....(and tell-all mistresses on Oprah). Ahhhhhh. Such a fantastic day. Sundays really are fun days.

Pudding may be enjoyable...but nothing touches ice cream and wires. Nothing.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Wired on Tylenol

Sorry I didn't get everyone a super-exciting update yesterday on my much-anticipated check-in at the orthodontist's office. I was...welp...overdosing on Tylenol and tequila, in every attempt to make the pain in my jaw, along with numbness of every tooth in my mouth, go away. I was successful only in that I was asleep on a Friday night by 8:30 PM. How sad is it when I can't even stay awake to watch "Friday Night Lights?" -- Never mind the fact that I am actually home on a Friday all excited to watch FNL, in the first place., yes...the appointment was everything I expected it to be. I told the doctor how much my jaw hurts, the constant headaches, etc. She agreed that I was in a lot of pain, and tried to figure out what the hell to do about it. The pain has basically gotten worse A) because my teeth have completely shifted and now only one tooth touches when I bite B) because I only have one tooth touching, I only have one tooth to eat with and C) as of lately, I haven't given a shit about what I eat -- let's just say, almonds and gummies have been fair game. All of this...not so good.

Her first plan.....THIS
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It's some sort of splint to help alleviate pain. Um...when the hell am I ever going to wear this thing? It's completely bizarre.

Second plan, for me to go back to the soft food diet.
Welp...that will proooobably only last a day or two. Oh wait, it's already over.

And last, for me to return next Thursday for her to re-cement (ugh I hate that word) a few things and um....create some sort of brace for my teeth to rest on when I close my mouth?! I'm sure it will be highly attractive and super helpful.

It's lunchtime...which boring soup will I have today? Sorry, I'm a little cranky. Could you tell?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Wired Lunch Breaks

Tomorrow I take my lunch break at the good ol' orthodontist's office because that's what the cool 'working' kids with braces do. Forget power lunches, I prefer to do my networking with my favorite 12 and 13-year-olds.

Oooh yes, it's time yet again to check the progress and for them to slap a new, heavier, uglier wire right on these puppies. And you know what a heavier wire means, right?! Oh yes, it means Cranky Wired Lady will be visiting tomorrow evening.

Those close in proximity know it's wise to have the wine chilled.

What I hope to accomplish tomorrow with my 30 seconds with the doctor:
1 - Agree that my teeth have moved
2 - Tell me my constant jaw pain is because my teeth have moved, and not from the gummy bears
3 - Tell me we are ahead of schedule
4 - Tell me the braces will be removed next month - errr, before 2010?
5 - Validate my parking

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Blind with Braces

I swear, my situation just keeps getting better and better.

Today I took a much-needed trip to the optometrist. You know it's bad when I feel like I'm back at school and can't read the chalkboard...only now I can't see the computer lcd in the conference room.

It turns out the Wired Lady now has an 'astigmatism' in her left eye - so I totally have to get two separate contact prescriptions - one for each eye. How cool am I? Right now, how much do I sound like those cheesy contact commercials with the two girls bouncing on the bed?

Anyhow, the best part is...when I tell my mother about this she says, "Oh. No. Does that mean you'll get Dad's lazy eye?!" WHAaaaaat!? Could the genes in my fam get any better?! My father not only gave me bad skin, varicose veins (haven't mentioned that one yet), and I am soon the winner of a LAZY EYE!!!!???

Gosh, I can't wait to start networking with braces AND a lazy eye! I will surely make friends. Ooooh the life of the Wired Lady is one of dental pain, high insurance bills and...reaaaaally blurry vision. Is it me or do my genes automatically equate complete nerd (sorry, Dad)? If only the brains were more present.

No more complaining. Please do not send my application to "Tyra." As Stephanie R likes to say, "It's not that serious." Ha.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Found: Wired in IT

Meet ROD...THE I.T. GUY...
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And here I thought Rod was only cool because his cover band plays on local cruise ships.
Boy, was I wrong.

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Rod still has no clue why I took his picture numerous times after he so kindly fixed my computer log-in problem.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Just Because You Know How to Create a Smoky Eye Does Not Mean You Can Dis the Dentals

Tonight I discovered the Number One Place Not to Go If You Are An Adult with Braces....

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That's right, the Clinique makeup counter.

SPECIFICALLY, the Clinique makeup counter inside of Bloomingdales (the Macys counter was kinder to the wires). I only had to stop by to pick up a few 'necessities' -- I didn't think I would experience the judgmental stares of metal horror. I swear, it's like the girl couldn't even look me in the eye. Ugh.

AND to make matters worse, I was stupid enough to look at my TEETH in their Super-Magnified 3,000 Vanity Mirror. OH. MY. GOD. What the hell was I thinking? Honestly, I think the mirror is now cracked at the reflection of dental disgust. No concealer was gonna cover up these puppies. I grabbed the 'Navy Black Eyeliner' and ran to meet for margaritas. It was just one of those nights.

Thank goodness I left when I did. Clinique would have made bank on my shattering self-esteem.

In other news from the oh-so-happy Wired Lady, my jaw has been throbbing for days. I thought it was because I slept on my face weird (ever happen to you?) but it is not going away. Even my best friend Excedrin isn't providing support. Friday I'm back at the ortho...hope they're ready for the sass.

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Sunday, October 14, 2007

My Pathetic Existence

What happiness is to the Wired Lady...
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...that's right, it's a coupon for a free Crest Pro-Health Night Rinse!!!! Ahhhhh!!!! It's gonna be a wild time at Ralph's next weekend! Watch out crazy mom shoppers who love taking three times as long in line with all your fancy-shmancy coupons and discount cards. The battle is on!

Another suburb bonus for WL today...
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...that's right, with the coupon in this weekend's paper (hint hint...go. now.), I fully took advantage of receiving a free Crest Pro-Health Nighttime toothpaste with...the purchase of one. Two for the price of one! Rock on.

Haven't tried it yet. I'll let you know if it truly leads to a "cleaner mouth in the morning."

Is this seriously my life?
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Saturday, October 13, 2007

Forget the Mall

I used to spend my Shopping Saturdays at Nordstroms, Macys and the Gap. Now I get all excited about shopping at...

RITE AID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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That's right people , props to Rite Aid for having the best dental selection in town. I won't even tell you how many minutes I spent analyzing this aisle today.

I was on a mission - a mission for a high quality toothbrush and floss. I was wooed by fancy words like 'ultra' and 'pulsar.' Rightfully so, I selected the Oral-B Pulsar Pro-Health Toothbrush and Oral-B's Ultra floss. Listen, I will admit, I had a coupon on the floss but even so...I liked the word 'ultra.'

All excited, I creeped my ass through traffic to get home for a well-deserved dental massage.

My review....
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The floss was simple and comfortable, as promised on the box, but the "fluffy material designed to avoid irritation" only caused more trouble that it was worth. It was totally limp! AND I was forced to use....the blue, plastic floss guiders. Ugh! Totally not worth my time. In the end, after all that work threading the damn thing each time, my teeth didn't even feel all that clean. A totally bummer.

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Hell, it's a toothbrush. It cleaned. But seriously, where the hell were the "pivoting and pulsating bristles?" Um...Oral-B, stop seducing us with fancy language. Sure you fooled the Wired Lady into buying your product (damn!) but...I will think twice next time...I will. All in all, it was a nice massage for my gum line but I guess I'm just not a fan of a soft brush. In my mind, pain is glory. Thanks to the comfortable and pretty handle grips, I was persuaded to grade above average.

I hope Rite Aid is nicer to me next time. Oh well...
off to babysit for my favorite pre-teen who already had her braces...removed!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

So. Not. Cool.

Does anyone else think this picture is just not right?

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Seriously, why does America hate me so much?
I swear, I think this pic sends me into a state of depression. Where is my chardonnay?

So. Not. Cool.
Ugly means UGLY...all...the...time.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

For the Wired Lady Gift Registry

Has anyone ever heard of the Vita-Mix 5000????!!!!

I like to say an industry 'insider' shared with me this amazing product. Apparently, it's a machine similar to those used at the Jamba Juices and Robeks of this world.
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The music in this video is well worth the click.
I may not want to cook like a professional chef, but soon I will have to drink all my foods and let's just say, I'm doing my 'research.'

They say, it's not just a blender.
Jessica Seinfeld and her purees won't know what hit her.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

If You're Sweating in Braces Get Out of My Face

Tonight at my circa-1980s aerobics class an adult in braces was found.

Propped up on my elbows doing leg lifts, I spotted this wired individual sweating and moaning and all you'd expect from enduring the 100th painstaking lift. Let me just say, this is not how I want to view other people my age with braces. That's right, I just have to say it...highly revolting.

And worse, I'm sure she doesn't like having to stare back at me. I'm sorry.

If I could just drop 4 dress sizes, having braces probably wouldn't be as bad.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Braces: A Public Mockery

Tonight at drinks a totally weird moment happened which I can only attribute to the braces.

So, I'm sitting, drinking, and conversing...and all of a sudden some weird dude comes up to me, bends down (face near mine), and says, "Don't I know you?"

Before I can even respond, I smile (obviously exposing the wires) and the random dude jolts back in horror and says, "Oh. Whoops! My mistake. I thought I knew you!"


The new acquittance/co-drinker I was with literally said, "Does that sort of thing happen to you a lot?"

Oddly, it seems to be happening more and more.
Individuals repulsed by braces. The story of my life.

Even more annoying, the random dude wanted to hug and just 'pretend it never happened.' Oooh I will pretend it never happened. Pretending it never happened will be my hobby of choice come year 2030 when the braces are finally removed.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Aloha Trader Joe's

Just add it to the Wired Lady Hate List...

When the stoner cashier at my 'neighborhood grocery store,' Trader Joe's tell me... I should smile more.

Goshhhh, thanks so freakin' much.

After using my braces as an excuse for not smiling, his holier-than-though explanation of how irrelevant braces were to him, made me want to throw my wasabi rice puffs straight at his face. All I wanted was some $2 wine...not life coaching!

On a side know you've lived in L.A. too long AND need to go to the optometrist think the car in front has a license plate holder that reads, "Jesus Loves Yoga!" Honestly, sat there for a few minutes thinking this was ok. Hell, I was at Trader Joe's.

After moving my car a little closer, came to understand it actually read, "Jesus Loves You!"

Oh. My appointment is a week from Wednesday.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Crazy Day in the World of Teeth

Wired Lady's nightmare...

My Hero

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Pacific Coast News

Just call me a future governor's wife! It's all about flossing with whatever's around!

So, I must be turning into a tooth snob (only because I tend to think about them a lot) because seriously, those choppers aren't lookin' so good.

Thanks to my heroes at TMZ

Thursday, October 4, 2007

So Much For A Winner

It's past midnight and I'm still doing laundry. Why did I think this was a good idea at 9:30?

In times like this I have to be honest...

laundry trumps braces.

I can't believe I just said that. What is happening to me? Only a few days ago I voted FOR braces on my own blog (shhh, don't tell anyone). Am I...getting used to having braces? Incredibly frightening.

What's also frightening? -- potential interns who have to interview with a wired lady. Lets' just say, not so much respect is established from first impressions. I don't blame them. Today I couldn't help but stare at a potential intern's pearly whites. God I wish I was back in college. Those kids have all the luck.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

You're a Star!

I would like to grant myself the gold star -- The Gold Star of Brushing. This week at work, I have actually brushed all three days after lunch. Pretty impressive, right? I think this new surge of excelled hygiene came about after The Boyfriend pointed out discoloration on my front teeth (that's right, plural). Thanks, BF. Talk about super self-esteem. Can I wire my jaw shut now? Please?

This comic, who's set I survived through this evening, really embodies how I feel as an adult with braces.

I only ask you watch the first 12 seconds.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

When Wired Lady's Heart Stopped

Originally I thought watching the Steelers lose with these two was the scariest thing in the world...

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Then....I arrived at work today. What do I find on my desk?

A printout of MY blog with scribbled writing on it that read, "Are you talking about me?! Am I NAMELESS COWORKER?"

No name of who the note was from.

Um...really freakin' scary! I sat at my desk for at least an hour before I had the nerve to ask anyone about it. I thought maybe the angry co-worker would approach me first? Of course, not so much.

With a sigh of relief, I'm happy to report that the paper left on my desk was not from the actual Nameless Coworker. Phew! I was happy to reply, "Of course it wasn't youuuuu!"

Maybe if I stopped talking about people I would sleep better at night?

A Jimi Thing/A Braces Thing

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Tonight it was clear, Dave does not discriminate against braced individuals.

What was unclear...the cloud surrounding my head.

As always, thanks to amazing music and the beauty of darkness disguising the wires, a good evening was had by all.