Monday, March 31, 2008

No Refills Left


Today I took full advantage of my patient-rights and happily picked up a refill of my favorite pain medication - codeine.

Codeine, while you taste like total crap, I love you for your ability to knock me out at night, even as I lay completely and hilariously upright. I love you for taking the jaw pain on my right hand side away, and for alleviating my sinus pressure, with a warm, fuzzy numbness. You are truly Wired Lady's favorite elixir.

Additionally, I would like to send out a special thanks to my local Rite Aid pharmacist. Not only did you understand my flem-ingesting and newly-formed language, but upon sight of my face, you did not waste anytime giving another round of instructions. Thank you for allowing me to zip in and out as quickly as possible without too many random Hollywood High teenagers, just getting out of school, laughing at me.

Google Celebrates Surgery!

Due to my inability to concentrate on something longer than 10 minutes, I have come across some exciting news! Sure, sure, my face is still swollen and when my roommate's unsuspecting friend stopped by last night she turned to me and said, " Oh my gosh. Are you ok??", but nonetheless, in the land of jaw surgery depression, I am happy to announce...

I have beat The Wired Lady!

"The Wired Lady" is a jewelry designer specializing in the art of "wire wrapping" from Ottawa, Ontario.
Wired Lady is a 20-something, who's face is wrapped in wires. And oddly enough, Wired Lady is resembling something of a chipmunk this morning.

As some of you may know, when searching on Google for "Wired Lady," we both show up. But today...and today being the first day (at least I'm aware of)...the orthodontic special ed kid is the winner! Number one search result!

Oooooooh the lameness.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Nanna or Wired Lady?

Yes, I know I sound like a 90-year-old lady but I gotta share a few random tid bits, in the hope others have felt the same way...
  • Yawning is really bizarre. I feel a yawn but don't even feel the need to open my mouth
  • My neck is killing from sleeping upright
  • My nose is still numb
  • My ears feel like they want to pop...bad
  • I get up from the computer, grab a drink...and immediately have to take a nap
  • I am emotional
  • I am cranky
  • I am starving
  • I am bored
Who wants to come visit?????! Ha!
I know I sound like a gem!

If Only I Lived in Chicago.

I never knew what to do with a pashmina before.
Now I know.

Last night Steve and I took Mom to the airport. Mom's final, sobbing words, "If you can EVER talk...give me a call."

Thanks, Mom.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Cabbage Patch Face

It's weird to think this time last week I was sitting in my hospital room waiting to find out whether or not surgery was going to actually happen. Now, a week later...I'm swallowing (not going to say 'eating') soft mashed potatoes, yogurt and soup. Considering both of my jaws were broke and rearranged, I gotta say,...props to the human body. It's definitely amazing. While I can't actually see the results of his work (thanks to my Cabbage Patch on crack-like appearance) it's still mind-boggling how the doctor actually did it. As the doc stated, "It's like building a ship in a bottle." Ugh...yah.

Last night while sitting in front of the television, I turn to my mom and ask, "Do I have stitches in the sides of my face?" My mom replies, "Oh. Yeahhhh. I didn't want to mention that." Fantastic! Remember when I said I really had no idea how the hell he was going to do this? The mystery keeps unfolding.

ps - I was about to post a picture of an actual Cabbage Patch doll was just too flattering of a picture.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Wired Green Light Special - Aisle 3!

When Mom is willing to pay the grocery bill, Wired Lady risks scaring small children.

Yesterday was indeed a wild & crazy day in the life of Wired Lady!

After not only washing my hair, I took a trip to the oral surgeon's office AND passed with flying colors! First, I would just like to say, I love rollin' in VIP style at Dr. Relle's office. That's right, not ONLY do they all know my name...but totally took me 15 minutes EARLY! (Damn, they better know my name by now after all this). You too can be VIP...I will let you know how, as soon as the final insurance bill comes in. And yes, I am scared as all hell. (Did I mention my ortho, Dr. Yamada sent me flowers? How incredibly sweet is that?)

So, what happened at Relle's...
  • Took off the rubber bands
  • Showed me what I thought was an x-ray of someone else's perfect jaw - found out it was mine
  • Tried to speak the words, "Ok. Let's go!" Everyone stared in confusion.
  • Relle checked my heartbeat and, of course, as normal as could be (damn you Saturday Murmur)
  • Relle and Feder gleefully stared at my super-puffed face...basking in the glory of their work (They really are so cute. My Mom is in love)
  • Learned where my new, two bands go - to keep jaw healing in place
  • Made my appointment for two weeks from now - hooray!
So, to celebrate (you know my Mom was THRILLED with this news) my new ability to eat soft foods (no chewing or biting allowed) -- totally stopped at McDonalds on my way home. And guess what?!?! This particular McDonalds, near the doctor's office, still had...SHAMROCK SHAKES!!! Talk about a good omen, riiiight? Oh. Lord. You should have seen my face in this shake. I looked like a 3-year-old ran smack dab into an ice cream truck. Steve, sorry about your car.

The last big adventure of the day - Ralph's. With news of my new diet opportunities, Mom (who leaves tomorrow) pretty much said, if you come to the grocery store, I will pay. Sold!

With (probably) too much activity yesterday, I am happy to announce,...I slept last night! It's weird waking up at 6 AM and feeling pride- like I just-finished-my-SAT-test-sense-of-accomplishment and it was all just because of... sleeping.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Time to Doll Up!

Brace yourselves. This morning...I...washed my hair. Yes, highly exciting, I know. Now, before you think I'm totally nasty - I did shower (er...take more of a little bird bath) on Tuesday. But today, oh today, in the life of Wired Lady, is a Watch Out-Couldn't Get More Exciting-Super Deluxe-VIP Special day.

That's right, today...I'm truckin' to the oral surgeon's office. This will make a major dent in my afternoon daytime viewing but, I'm willing to make the sacrifice, if it means the chance of removing some of these bands - and oh, I dunno..maybe opening my mouth! (breathing breathing)

Thought at the moment -- gosh, I'd strangely like a Taco Bell burrito (damn there are too many fast food commercials) and...I really hope I don't get nauseous in the car. Dr. Relle isn't exactly down the street. The last time I was in a car was on the way back from the hospital and, let's just say, that was not a pleasurable ride.

Thanks to everyone for the breathing/sleeping tips. Last night was better. Not great but not the worst. (And yes, Mom, I could still hear you through the wall!) Luckily, my plan to keep the TV on and pretend it was still day helped. I have no problem conching out at noon but, for some reason, once night hits, it scares the hell out of me. The bloody nose has stopped, which equals happiness.

Sorry, I know that was gross.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Pea Face

I'm not ready to show you what's behind the peas.

I was greeted to lovely bruising this morning. Hooray! Just when I thought my face couldn't look any worse.

I love my Mom and am so happy she's here but tonight her air mattress is hittin' the living room. Sorry, Mom...your little flotation device is sailing a different sea.

I can't sleep at night. Never mind being afraid of suffocating to death - I also have the pleasure of hearing my mom LITERALLY sound like she's suffocating - a.k.a snoring! I can't handle it. I was awake every minute of last night. I actually had to knock on my own white board to get her to wake up and stop it. This pounding was my interpretation of screaming, "Mom!!!!"

I gotta say, the nights are the worst. I haven't chocked or anything but I'm petrified of it. Should I breathe through my nose? Or should I breathe through my mouth? These are the hard-hitting questions I face. And neither answer I trust.

Woa...time to black out.
Energy... only

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I Am the White Nutty Professor

I am alive and this is what I look like - only white and female (no stash).

I am exhausted. I hate the smell of frozen peas. And I wish I could explain to my mother what I need.

The list of white board possibilities:
  • more peas
  • warm washcloth (what heaven means to me at this moment)
  • medicine time!
  • nothing. please let me sit here and continue to watch horrible daytime commercials.
One word to describe my current state = swollen

Saturday, March 22, 2008


After 4+ hours in surgery, Wired Lady is now in recovery! Success! And by the way, Dr. Relle made sure to point out that the Wired Lady's heart didn't skip one beat the entire time. In your face, irregular heartbeat!


Jaws on Pause.

Well, surgery day isn't going quite as smoothly as the Wired Lady had hoped. But really, I'm not surprised.

It all started this morning when the doctor didn't send over the paperwork, so they had to run an EKG. They run the EKG, it turns out I have a murmur and an irregular heartbeat. The Anesthesiologist, who is is clearly more comfortable with people who are sleeping, had some choice words for me. His direct quote, "Your heart is very concerning. We're very concerned. You're only 25 years old, we'd normally expect this in old people."

An hour later, and I'm having an echo heart something or other done to make sure I'm not about to go in for heart surgery instead of jaw surgery. Over the loud, squishy sounds of my own heart, I hear a woman down the hall screaming, "Someone please help me, god dammit!" I'm sure that really helped calm my irregular heartbeat.

What else could go wrong? Well, it took two foreign nurses to find my vein so they could draw blood. I'm still trying to figure out if the nurse called over the PA for someone to bring her ricotta cheese or they narcotics keys. Oh, and did I mention a couple of guys from the morgue stopped by the room across the way to pick up a dead body and wheel it past my room? Could there be any more signs that maybe I should just escape from the hospital in my gown right now, like a mental patient?

After all this, the cardiologist finally found the time to stop by, and let me tell ya ladies, I met the McDreamy of Northridge Hospital. He's bald and German. McGermany came in to tell me my heart is perfectly fine, although I gotta say, not sure why everyone keeps asking if I'm a smoker. And with that, I'm off to surgery. My mother was relieved to be yelling "Yay! You're having jaw surgery!" I never thought I'd be relieved to be having jaw surgery. But it's better than open heart surgery.

I came in at 8 am. My surgery was supposed to start at 10, and it's now 1:30 pm. Just another day in the life of Wired Lady.

PS -- Dr. Relle just came in to tell me that because of my murmuring heart, the operating room is now booked by a man with broken legs. Surgery at 5:30.


The day has come.
No big thing...just leaving for the hospital to have a little jaw breakage/rearrangement.

Thank you to everyone for all your love, support and kind wishes. I will be thinking of all of you as they roll me toward the ER -- that is, if I'm not already passed out. :)

But seriously, I wouldn't be here without all my family, friends and new community of friends online.

I'll be back in a few...

Friday, March 21, 2008

Wild & Wired Friday Night

Me. Mom. And a bottle of codeine.

Not quite. But...I am staring at it....wishing I could begin the 'black out' period.

BUSY day today. Dear LORD I was at the ortho forever. Who would have thought it took so long to add 'surgical hooks.' Yeah...completely hate those words. Basically, MORE wires were added this afternoon - so, the bands can loop around the hooks -- keepin' the good ol' jaw in place. So, no, to be "wired shut" is NOT a P.C. term. Instead, I prefer..."banded shut." Ahhhhh. Who the hell am I kidding?! Like there's a difference.

But let me just tell you, seeing Mom's face when we walked in to the orthodontist's office -- hilarious! One look at the kiddie play set in the lobby and she turned to me and said, "Soooo, this is a day in the life of Wired Lady, huh?" You got that right, Lady. Welcome to my world.

All the dental assistants were so supportive. Telling me happy tales of past patients looking "sooo good." My reply, "I'm just happy to hear they're still alive."

The funniest comment had to be, "You're surgery's tomorrow, huh? Awww, you won't get your Easter ham this year." Um, no...AND I think I've got bigger concerns at this point. Oh, and by the way, screw the ham...I'd rather have some Peeps!

So, I'm exhausted...which is good, because hopefully I'll sleep.

At this point. I can't get out of this thing. I'm in it for good.
Let's do this.
Is it morning yet?

Just a Completely Normal, Nothing Different, Totally Ordinary, Just Like Every Other...Friday

I'm about to leave for the airport to pick up my mom. I gotta say, I'm pretty excited to spend this final day of, you know,, etc....with her. I plan to go about the whole day as if noooothing's happenin' tomorrow. Just a good ol' day of vacation.

Breaking my jaw tomorrow? What?! Don't have a clue of what you're referring to?

The plan for today --
  1. Go Grocery Shopping. I realized, I am stocked up on all kind of protein shakes but my poor mom has nothing to eat herself. She's going to be trapped in my apartment with me all week and right now, all she has to eat is an old can of tuna and a bottle of vodka
  2. Final Meal at Pizzeria Mozza (I've been wanting to go for a while -- great excuse when mom's paying -- :)
  3. Orthodontist Visit - hell0000o feeling like a 13-year-old again. Today I'm totally bring mom to the ortho's office for my 'final tweak' - hilarious
  4. Bed Bath & Beyond trip for an over-sized dorm-like pillow and a trip down the juicer aisle (did I mention mom suggested she sleep on the floor of my apartment? wtf? ) An air matress might also be purchased
  5. Drug Stop a la Rite Aide! (only Rite Aide because I utilized their free $20 gift card for a transfer of prescription - go me!)

Thursday, March 20, 2008

High Tech Communication System


I've got my white board. What more could I need?

Oh yeah,....maybe my mom? Picking her up from the airport tomorrow morning.

So much hilarity to come.

A Wired Lady Hallmark Card

I have to say, I began this blog as a joke -- just trying to find a way to laugh at the fact that I'm a 20-something and had to get braces. By finding a way to make fun of myself and laugh at the whole silly situation, I felt validated. But...not to get too sappy here, but the crazy love and support I have found online from YOU ALL (complete strangers!) is unbelievable. As I read some of the comments from this past week, I am overwhelmed with emotion (and no, I have not popped any pills yet). As cheesy as it sounds, the power of the internet is so unbelievably amazing.

Before this whole 'adventure' began, I remember thinking how I wish I had listened to that oral surgeon back when I was 16 who told me to consider jaw surgery. I thought of it as a regret. But now, I can't imagine going through this without you all. I'm glad I'm doing this now, at this point in my life, and most importantly, with an online team of people thinking about me. I am so blessed.

My gratitude is beyond words.

In Training to Puppeteer

Tonight the bf wanted to end our phone conversation early, so he could (how dare he) take a shower. My reply to this, "Um...hello? Don't you want to listen to me? You don't have too many days left of hearing my actual voice before I turn into a mime...and then...a ventriloquist?" In Steve's head I'm sure he's thinking, "Thank the freakin' Lord!"

There is much confusion as to when I will be able to speak normally again. And how good will I be at speaking with my mouth not moving? I'm not gonna lie, I've totally tried already -- in my bathroom, alone. But, will I be able to excel in the working world? I do answer phones in my job for a living. Is this going to be a problem? Huh. Probably something to think about. But, again, trying to reach for the positive...maybe after all this, I'll have a career at Sesame Street or bring the sock puppet Lamb Chop back?

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Next Stage of My Life...Please

I have the best of friends and for their own sakes, I gotta get this surgery done and over with. My 'urban family' cannot wait to go to a dinner with me, in which I talk about something other than my face. Literally, Emily called to check in tonight and after talking her ear off about the procedure, and the braces and blah blah blah, she asked, "So, what ELSE is going on?"

Absolutely nothing. This is my life at this moment in time and I pray I am laughing about this whole ordeal a year or two from now. Because sure as all hell, it's time to think about something else!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The Wired Drug Dealer

As I say my goodbyes to more and more people ("Hey, just so you probably won't be seeing me for a few weeks..."), I'm finding a repeated trend - a slightly-questionable interest in what drugs I'll be taking. Who would have thought so many people hold such a strong opinion on Vicodin versus Percocet? Ambien versus Zoloft?

I, on the other hand, haven't thought twice about the type or quality of drug the doc plans to pump -- as long as it works...really really WELL (this indifference will do a 180 come Sunday). What I do know is, the doctor called in the prescription and I have to stop by Rite Aid on Friday (the day before) to pick up my little, secret package. This little, secret package, of course, including a super special, secret price.

As many of you are already sensing, I have no clue what to expect come post-surgery. It's been such a process just getting to this point - I never thought it would happen. And really, I think I just don't want to know every gross detail. At dinner on Sunday, my friends kept asking me all these questions and all I could say was, "I don't really's all sort of...ambiguous..."

At this point, for all I know, I could come back as a midget with a beard -- a midget with a beard AND a fantastic bite.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Feeling Peas and Happiness

I have my frozen peas for recovery (and yes, I did put them next to my cheeks at the grocery store to test)...
jaw I come! Bring it!

A big medical day today. Funny though, every day seems this way.

I'm feeling pretty good at this moment. And yes, it does have something to do with the last glass of wine enjoyed. Just don't tell the pros it was Woodbridge -- not really a great way to go out (hell yeah $4.99 a bottle) but...hey, I didn't want to waste the remains of the weekend bottle, riiiight?

So, today I went in for my pre-op at the general doctor's office.

Things I didn't appreciated....
Doctor: My niece just got braces. Gosh, I hope she never has to have jaw you.
WL: Thanks. Um...can I get an itemized receipt for this?

The pre-op was not quite as extensive as I had hoped. The usual -- blood pressure, then (big shock here)...more blood! I mean, seriously, how much more blood do they need to test? I think I'm legit at this point. I am breathing and yes, I have blood that flows through my body.

The crazy, get-my-shit-together-before-I-leave-work-for-three-weeks, work day ended with a call from the oral surgeon himself. I felt so honored. Not only did he explain all is ready and in place (I believe his exact words were "I expect to have for us a very nice bite") he also...gave me his secret, special cell phone number. I feel like Brad Pitt asked me out on a date. I was so touched.

My surgery time got moved from 7:30 AM to 10 AM. Which is fine with me...although, I will have to change the countdown clock. Apparently, some other dude's gotta get in there real quick and he/she's not stayin' over night (like me) to enjoy the 'amenities.'

Is it Saturday yet? At this point...just get me to the knife! I'm ready! My freezer is full of frozen peas for face! What more could I need?!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Self-Proclaimed Coupon Queen on Hiatus

The excitement of Sunday coupons took a turn this morning...
...a turn, for the worst. The nerdy thrill of finding 35 cents off regularly-used products sort of dies when realizing, everything I would normally clip, I won't be able to use as of next Saturday. You know...cereal, chips, cookies, etc. Now all I'm left with are dental products and cleaning supplies. Fun. Not even a Carnation Instant Breakfast or Slim Fast coupon in this week's paper.

I like breakin' out a coupon at the grocery store. I'm not embarrassed. Hell no. I even experience a (completely false) sense of accomplishment, thinking like cashier is impressed or something. "Yeah, that's right. I've got more than just the Club Card."

Guess the coupon organizational book will be a little lighter for the next couple of weeks....

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Baby, Old Lady, or My Actual Life?

A Wired Lady nightmare...

...standing in the baby section of Target, surrounding my kid germs AND a monstrous wall of sippy cups!!! Who would have thought there are so many different types of sippy cups?!!! Dear lord! I think I stood in this aisle for at least 10 minutes completely clueless. I was trapped in a world never visited before (and thank goodness). Do I go with spill-proof, leak-proof, or the durable straw??? Hilarity and pathetic-ness all wrapped up in one. In the end, because I'm sure you care do much (ha!), I went with the Munchin Series and selected two separate cups - one with a "soft silicone straw" and another with a "no mess spout."

Extreme excitement for a Saturday afternoon, huh?

Maybe I should have splurged for a bib too?

See You Later, Margarita!

My mom would like me to stop talking like I'm dying. So, instead of saying last night was my "Last Mexican meal," instead I will say, last night was my "Last Mexican meal...for a while."

Oh no, not my meal - only the appetizer...BEFORE

Hell yeah...AFTER

Ernie's, my favorite Mexican spot in the valley, was good to me. During dinner, I even had an optimistic thought (so rare these days, you know) of hosting my "Braces Are Off" Party here. Woa...ok...too much optimism for one day...

Instead of saying, "Goodbye my beloved salty and sweet slice of heaven," it's more like, "See to you later, Marg!" I would say 'talk' to you later, but that might taken even longer. to Target to purchase a baby toothbrush and sippy cup. And no, I do not have a child.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Better To Get Caught In The Rain


Pineapple juice was recommended to me before surgery to reduce "swelling and bruising."

All I can say is...not good without rum.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

My Head Hurts

Originally I thought for the weekend before surgery I would host a big "Last Night of Food, Fun current Face" party. Now that I am at that weekend, the whole thing is just...sad. It just doesn't seem like something to really, celebrate.

The anxiety and the waiting and the stress and everything else has been building up and today I officially hit my rock bottom -- at the orthodontist's office (of course).

I get there and at first am happy to meet a fellow Wired Lady awaiting surgery in reception. But then...I am waiting and waiting and freaking out because I am YET AGAIN out of the office and my boss is going to kick me to the curb. Then, the doctor finally comes over and it's as if she has no idea what's going on. It's like no one knew when my surgery date was or when the last time I saw the oral surgeon or what adjustments needed to be made. I was not happy...but instead of yelling...I just started to...cry. I don't know why (it's not even that time of the month) but I just am so sick of fighting this and dealing with it and it's like no one is batting for me. Is it too much to ask for the ortho to know what I am there for before I sit in the chair? Literally, I walked out without a THING being changed. I didn't even get my bands replaced -- which is what I really wanted.


The good news is, I did have a very happy ending to my day. I open the mail, expecting insurance bills, but instead find two McDonald's gift cards from...McDonalds Corp.! Thank you Lori Miller in U.S. Communications who apparently, enjoys that I communicate the love of Mickey D's vanilla cones and braces!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Hello Nakedness

I took the plunge and went Naked this morning. To Eliot Spitzer and any of his 'friends' this would mean one thing, but to the outrageous and unpredictable, Wired Lady, this means...I tried the Naked protein drink for (gasp!) an actual meal. Call me wild but I wanted to see how full I'd actually be - to prep know what's coming. Move over 'tastings''s time for the big guns...


Anyway, this particular drink was suggested by a fan. Um...who am I kidding?! It was suggested by a friend.

But either was a pretty good choice! Not only was I full till lunch (with a little cheese snack and a couple mints in between), but the taste...not so bad. Now, don't get me wrong. I wouldn't choose this over breakfast (love me some eggs) but if you too ever have the opportunity to have your jaw 'made-over' - not a bad choice. Kind of chalky, I gotta say...but I did pick up on the pineapple and banana flavors. I wouldn't say my experience was that of a tropical vacation but perhaps a leisurely three-day weekend?

Dental issues aside, I just don't get why you'd normally spend so much on juice with all the extra carbs and calories. I mean, maybe it's me but I'd much rather have a bag of pretzels and a glass of wine...right? Call me Miss Healthy.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Girl In The Plastic Bubble

Move over Ebert & Ropert. How can anyone compete when you get reviews like this....

"Reading your blog makes me think I'm visiting a nursing home."

Lovely. Thank you to my sister for her never-ending moral support and encouragement. much as I'd like to disagree with her, I find my life mirroring that of an 80-year-old more and more each day. If only you could see the vitamins I'm pumpin' in the morning. I had to start allocating more time between breakfast and make-up application for this new morning ritual.

But I have to! I am petrified of getting sick! A co-worker who sits waaaaay too close to me (and you know who you are!) came to work with the flu today!!!! And yes, the words "Get away from me and go home!!!" were spoken. I also told Sick Co-Worker to remember me before making the decision to return to work tomorrow. Ha. But really -- not kidding so much.

Can I please live in a bubble with John Travolta for the next week and a half!?

Monday, March 10, 2008

Explaining the Bizarre

Below is an actual email sent in the life of Wired Lady:

Hi Sarah,

Ok. This is going to sound random but...this coming weekend is the last weekend before I’m having jaw surgery and as much as I want to go and help you at the kindergarten class production shoot, I don’t think it would be the best choice for me. If I happen to get sick before this damn thing...thanks to germy kids...I am totally screwed. Also, my mom's coming in town the following weekend..and I have a ton of crap to do...wash my car...clean the shower...ya di da di da.....

Any other time in my life, I WOULD SO BE THERE.

Seriously, thank you for the invite and I’m sorry I am super paranoid and cannot help you at this time.

It’s just the last weekend I will be able to chew solid food.

-Wired Lady

The Tasting of Carnation Instant Breakfast

I know after the Ensure tasting I said Slim Fast would be next but...I just couldn't do it. One sniff of that mistake-of-a-purchase -- whoops, I mean Low Carb Vanilla Slim Fast and I was reminded of the morning after the last (and final) Tequila Fun Night.

So, the flight for this sophisticated tasting...Carnation Instant Breakfast Variety Pack.


At first appearance all flavors were vibrant, cheerful and quite frankly, 'popped' more so than the Ensure.

To begin, this Wired Lady sommelier attacked the chocolate line-up of Classic Chocolate Malt, Rich Milk Chocolate and Dark Chocolate.


Rockin' this 'sophisticated' palate, I am proud to say in each 'bouquet,' I picked up on a taste goodness. Not a whole lot of difference between the dark, malt and classic blend but I can say, it's not a bad thing.


All were enjoyable 'in mouth' and all were enjoyable 'in finish.' If I had to pick one, I would say the malt was my favorite - not because I gravitate toward this type of beer (really, not at all) but because I do enjoy a greasy diner and milkshake that comes with a spoon.

Next up - Classic French Vanilla and Strawberry Sensation. With my past experience, I was most afraid of the vanilla, especially the first "sniffy sniff."


Initial in glass 'fragrance' - not bad at all! Actually, pretty nice. Then to taste -- also highly enjoyable. Reminds me of McDonalds' vanilla cone. As I am only 12 days away from surgery, happy to find a vanilla that works!

Strawberry - also enjoyable, however, (shocking, I know) I gotta go with the vanilla over the strawberry in this pairing.

The final verdict for this complete nutritional drink, Carnation Instant Breakfast Variety Pack - great taste at a great price! And yes, I am playing favorites because I found a coupon in last week's circular. Hot, I know. Nice job, Nestle.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

You Cough. I Run.

I didn't mention this in the last post but between the first time I 'gave' blood and the second time, my temperature when up. Jim, the blood dude, asked "Do you feel a cold coming on?" Noooooo!!!

Soooo, of COURSE, I have been freaking out hypochondriac style all weekend about getting sick. After all this, I just know it would so be my luck to get sick and not only have to postpone surgery but...even worse...the blood it took me so long to donate would be null and void! I am determined not to go back to that hospital till they are ready to drill. Bring it. And I promise, this is the last time I ever bring up my blood again - so unappreciated, I know.

So, really, I only have one mission at this point and that's to stay healthy. I am realizing how hard this is and how freakin' expensive it is at Whole Foods!!!

The WL Defense Team. I gotta say, at $3.88 a bottle, Naked "Well Being" better be amazingly well for my being.

Now that I am actually trying to 'not get sick,' I swear, everyone I come in contact with is either feeling sick, getting over being sick or just sick!

Something even harder to accomplish, when approached by one of the following 'sick' categories of to not come off as a bitch in his or her presence. No offense but....I don't mean to run in the opposite direction before you finish your sentence but I don't want anywhere near your air supply.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Hot Veins

So, because the first lady who took my blood screwed up, I had to return to the hospital yesterday morning for round two.

This time, I had a Bill Nye The Science Guy look-a-like named Jim. I learned from Jim that because Judy (who normally runs the blood shop) is on vacation, he was filling in. This explained so much. Why is it not surprising at all that Wired Lady totally got the second stringers?

While I was a bit of a skeptic, Jim got the job done. Praise Jesus! And...not only did I get a juice box...

juice box, orange juice

...but a pack of Oreos as well! The funny this was, Jim actually opened the pack of Oreos for me. Weird, right? When I saw him doing this, at first I thought, what the hell is he doing? Does he want one of my Oreos? He could probably just reach up and grab a pack of his own. But then I realized Jim thought giving blood caused the bubonic plague. You should have seen the look on Jim's face when I jumped out of the chair only seconds after he pulled the plug. "It's been real, Jim, but I gotta get to work and save my job."

I know what it's like to feel a little's called a bottle of Barefoot on a Tuesday night.

I have to say though, the highlight of the morning was Jim telling me, "You have really nice veins." You know something is off-kilter in your life when a man in a lab coat complementing your veins turns you on.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

A Real Supermodel

Luckily I was not struck by lightning today but tomorrow is the day I go back to give blood and as you well know, that's a complete crap shoot. Will I donate blood? Will I not? Will I get an apple juice box or a cranberry juice box? I was told to drink lots of water beforehand to "help me out" (as if it was my fault last time) and that the new guy taking my blood is "really good." Whatever this means...I have no idea. Super thrilling...I know.

Speaking of thrilling...a taste of last week's visit with the os...

Yes, I am rocking one earring -- unbeknownst to me.
I am the coolest.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Wires Meet Juice Box

I am one post away from reporting being struck by lighting.

Seriously, could I please have one more sign that maybe I shouldn't be doing this???

Today took the cake. I hauled it to the hospital this morning to donate blood. Sounds simple, right? Well, of COURSE not.

Ummm...Denise, the blood lady, who has worked this job for 15 years, said the mistake she made with ME had never happened before! Well, faaaaan-tastic! That's right, after finding my 'good vein' - she stuck the needle in and then...accidentally pulled it out! Can you say blood everywhere?!?!?! I sure did!

Next, it's on to my other arm to try to use my 'not as good vein.' Well guess what? Denise couldn't find the vein and I learned it's not a lot of fun having a needle digging inside your arm.

After almost giving up, I told Denise to get back to the first arm! I gotta get blood taken asap and get back to work! I am not leaving this place without a bag of blood left behind.

Just my luck - one little prick back in the first arm and we're back where we started -- a crime scene.

Can you see my battle wounds? I know it's hard to spot the difference between the bandages and my 'missing summertime' skin.

So....not only did I not give a drop of blood this morning but I have to go back on Friday (risk losing my job for all these appointments) AND on top of everything...didn't even meet David.

The upside...a juice box for my ride home.

How often does a 20-something come across a juice box? Well, go visit apologetic Denise and she'll offer you every juice box and cookie pack on the face of the planet.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Damn Your Health Benefits

Dear Broccoli,

I'm sorry I have to do this to you but our relationship is over.

I used to believe if I ordered you 'extra soft' it would be ok. I used to think of you as a healthy, safe side. I used to think all these things

Thanks to you, an innocent intern had to sit through an entire lunch with me, with a mouth full of green. It was bad enough this intern has more going on in his life than I do. And it's bad enough trying to 'mentor' with braces but...did you have to go deep into the wires? No hand covering the mouth was going to save this catastrophe.

You are unpredictable, unreliable and embarrassment. I hate to admit it but President George H. W. Bush was right about you. I will be with your friend, The Pea, from this point forward.

In other news....

Tomorrow morning I'm getting up super early to give blood at the hospital for surgery. I'm not at all worried about the actual giving of blood. Heck, I can deal with feeling queezy at work - it might mix things up. What I'm freaked out about is actually driving to the hospital, seeing the hospital, walking into the hospital and yes, even smelling the hospital. Let's hope I don't run in the opposite direction. On the plus side, I do get to meet Daniel, the nicest medical professional to ever use a phone.

The High-Class Tasting of...ENSURE

I have officially been informed that during my first week post-surgery all I will be able to eat are meals-in-a-can. Due to this, I decided it was time for my first tasting.

In the world of wine, we would pour a flight of Cabernet Franc or Beaujolais. In the world of Wired Lady, we pour a flight of....Ensure.

The line-up...Strawberry, Vanilla and Chocolate.


First - up...vanilla. My initial thought on this was, "Hey! I am a huge vanilla fan! A McDonalds' vanilla cone is practically gold to me. How could this be a bad way to start?"

Oh. How wrong I was. So, in the time-honored tradition of wanting to be Gary Vaynerchuk (WineLibrary TV - "Link it up! Mott!"), first, it was all about the wine glass and second, it was all about the 'sniffy sniff.'


If I were Gary, to describe the 'pour,' I would use flashy sensory descriptors like "juicy pears" and "buttery popcorn." Welp because I am Wired Lady, to describe my 'pour' I can only use the words -- "just...plain...G-R-O-S-S!" Oh, and maybe I'd add...'"completely revolting!" Literally, I am sitting here remembering the smell of that vanilla and I am gagging.

So, as you can imagine, it took a lot to even move on to trying the vanilla. But as I am 'strong like bull,' I pull it together and take a sip. Taste - not much like vanilla. Definitely blaming it on whatever the heck is causing that smell.

Next up - chocolate! This has got to be better!

And I was right -- hard to go wrong with chocolate. Now mind you, I didn't consume the whole thing (as I would have ingested three weeks of protein in 10 minutes). So, being that it was only a 'tasting' vote is...not too shabby. I'm not going to put my 'name' on the line and say it was Godiva in a bottle but considering Ensure it typically the elderly with osteoporosis problems, it's digestible.

Last, and to my much-excitement...strawberry! Anyone else find God in a strawberry shake and a basket of fries to cure the common hangover? Oh. Er. Maybe just me.

The result - good. Not bad. I added ice to max the potential.

So, the final verdict comes down to this...

Next up...Slim Fast. Hold onto your hats folks.

Monday, March 3, 2008

March into McDonalds...Now

Happiness has returned to McDonalds.

Shamrock Shake

To all my wired and non-wired friends...but ESPECIALLY to the wired...get HAPPY! Hallelujah! It's March and Shamrock Shakes are at McDonalds.

Welcome back, My Love...
The World Famous Shamrock Shake

Your timing could not be better. If my surgery was in April I don't know what I would have done. And by the way, thank goodness you are no longer called the "Minty Mudbath." "Shrek the Third," you ruined everything last year.

Convinced Braces Have ESP

Last night was an incredibly random yet incredibly 'magical' evening. My friend Ken got us into "The World Famous Hollywood Magic Castle."
It's bizarre...I have lived here almost four years and had never heard of it -- this obviously shows you how 'in-the-know' or incredibly oblivious I am, being that I drive by it on my way to work. In order to get in you have to either be a member or know a magician. We somehow qualified in the latter.

While the building itself was kind of spooky and the entire time I was there I felt like I was in the movie "Clue," it was still pretty sweet. Ok. But...I know what you're the hell does this involve your braces? Oh. You have NO idea.

So, the first 'magic act' we saw involved this guy who reads minds/has psychic capabilities. He does a few exercises where he's thinking of a number between 1 to 50 -- it's odd and has two numbers...ya di da di da. Well...when I got the first number right I thought it was just a fluke. Then, when I got the second number right I thought it was kind of cool. But THEN when I got the third number spot on exactly RIGHT...I was seriously freaked out. I raised my hand and told him '74.' The Magical Magician says, "You got 74?"

WL: Yes.
Magical Magician: And you got all other numbers correct?
WL: Yes
Getting Creepy Magical Magician: Come down to the stage!
WL: (Ahhhhh crap) Ok.

The Now Highly Creepin' Me Out Magical Magician proceeds to tell the audience he had a few psychic thoughts about tonights show before he got to the Magical Castle and wrote them down on a piece of paper.

IMMEDIATELY I thought...OH. MY. GOD. This paper is totally going to say I have braces. I was completely freakin' out -- however, in the moment, I was also thinking...if this piece of paper says the girl who will guess the number correctly will have braces...WHAT A FREAKIN' AWESOME BLOG POST!!! Ok. Ok. Let me just tell you right now, it didn't happen BUT you can imagine what my face looked like while waiting to find out if 'Ugly Betty In the Present' is going to be called out.

So, he hands me the envelope and sure enough on the outside it reads....

Next, I open the letter and read it out to the audience. And it says.....
Ok, you probably can't read that but it says...."She will have brown hair, and she will be wearing a green dress and gold shoes."

(Ok. Not a great evidence shot but I promise, this is a dress and gold shoes were on the feet)

Ok...he didn't get the braces right but freakin' insane is that?
I swear...I'm sure I sound totally gullible..but in the moment the whole audience was freakin' out. Ok, I get that he may have seen me before the show and got the outfit right did I guess all those numbers correctly?

I swear...I think the braces must have psychic capabilities. If only I could predict the outcome of this dental adventure.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Budweiser Moment

So, apparently I really have come to the point where my braces self-consciousness has gone out the window. Like, I now meet new people and forget that being a 20-something with braces is really...not normal. I know you're thinking I'm full of crap but last night I had a 'should be in a commercial' hilarious braces moment.

So, I'm in the elevator heading out for the night and looking, I gotta say, not too shabby (ha!) when two guys (with cases of beer in hand) get on. We're standing there awkwardly (as most elevator moments play out) when one of the dudes looks right at me and smiles. I then proceed to flash a 'you've got no chance and you're kind of creepy but I'll be nice and smile back because you're my neighbor' smiles, mastering (of course) the closed mouth smile -- something that comes naturally almost a year into braces. [Think I'm a little wordy today?]

Beer Guy: You smell really good.
WL: Thanks (also managing to rock the 'talking but not exposing braces talk')

But THEN....

Beer Guy: A lot better than the way this elevator usually smells.

[for some reason I thought this was completely hilarious at the time and I swear not a drop of alcohol was consumed prior]

WL: (Totally not thinking I throw out a HUGE, no, I mean GYNORMOUS, full teeth, mother of all freakin' smiles and add one of my classic yet highly annoying head-thrown-back laughs)

The poor guys were COMPLETELY caught off guard. It was hilarious. As soon as I saw the kid's reaction to the metal cage strapped to my face, I knew I screwed up.

"Wired LADY! What the hell are you doing!? You can't just surprise innocent bystanders like that!" -- the mental performance review/beat down in my head

I can only image each guys' internal dialogue. Would be such a great beer commercial.
Tag line least your beer is straight.

Saturday, March 1, 2008