Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Not Sick Here

At work every now and then someone will ask, "How are you feeling?"

This question is always followed with complete and utter confusion, as I think to myself..."I don't have the flu." Of course, then remembering, "Oooh mouth was rearranged only weeks ago."

Huh. Funny how that happens.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I Suck...Pretzels

That's right. I'll admit it. Just don't tell the doctor. It's called...hungry for snacks, salt, and late night happiness.

Ok. Fine. I've swallowed a couple too. Remember this post when a bad report comes from seeing Relle on Thursday -- hello foreshadowing....

Monday, April 28, 2008


Yogurt for breakfast.

Yogurt for a morning snack.

Skip the yogurt for lunch.

Back to yogurt for dinner.

Two thoughts on this:
  1. I will never have a yeast infection for the rest of my life.
  2. I. Am. Over. It.
Thank goodness I'm seeing the doc on Thursday. It's time to expand the menu.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Happiness Returns!!!!

I am off to the beach today! Hooooooray!!!!! I cannot even tell you how happy I am about this. Winter lasted way too long and now it's reunite with my love, Hermosa Beach.

Now, when packing for the beach, most people would be concerned with oooh having enough reading materials or sunscreen. But Wired Lady, oooh no, I'm concerned with...having food to remain full for the day. The staples I'm used to relying on, in my post-surg state, don't travel to the beach well. The plain yogurt aint survivin' on the sand - that's for sure.

So, what the hell am I gonna do? Welp, I've got lots of Diet Cokes (yes, the addiction is back in action), water bottles, and...well, that's about it. Guess I'll have to grab a Bloody Mary on the pier soon after I arrive.

Ooh, well...tough life, right?

Saturday, April 26, 2008

My. Teeth. Sore.

So, they changed a wire and took a few 'jewels' out at the orthodontist's office on Thursday and I swear, it feels like they numb-chucked me to the face. The teeth are definitely still sore. And I was wrong in thinking the margaritas last night would help. Weird.

On a side note -- I have come to the conclusion that my face is puffier when I wake up in the morning. Anyone else find this to be the case? Don't call me a doctor or anything but it's something about sleeping on my side - Ha. Um, yeah...proooobably isn't helping the cause.

Thursday, April 24, 2008



Such a happy visit to the ortho this morning! Not only did Mona Lisa (my favorite dental assistant - and yes, that is her real name) remove all the extra 'bling' from my braces (I referred to my 'surgical hook' as my 'jewels', just so you know...and because I think it's hilarious), but she also took out my wires....and I could FLOSS!!!!!! Hallelujah!!! I literally spent 20 mintes brushing and brushing and rinsing and rinsing and flossing and flossing and on and on and on...ooooh what a happy time!


And I gotta say, it felt kind of nice to have Dr. Yamada stare at my bite and say, "Looks sooo good!" I felt proud - like I actually did something.

Did I mention Steve picked up his new retainer yesterday? Yeah, I go to the ortho and everyone asks me how STEVE is doing. Just. My. Luck.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Back in the Chair

Tomorrow morning I'm back at the ortho's office for a little check-up. Oh. The. Social. Life. I. Have.

Really, just two 'hopes' for tomorrow's appointment...
  1. Some of the metal, weighing down my face, be removed form my mouth --- these surgical hooks (oh how I hate that name) have got to go -- it's time!
  2. Encouraging words that everything looks good and that I haven't been rockin' the rubber bands for no reason (not the cutest things) the magical words..."Your braces will be off soon!"

Ha. I know...not quite. But a girl can dream, right?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Enjoying the Perks

Tonight I returned one of my many over-due (don't worry, Mom) blockbuster movies from my 'hiatus' viewing pleasure. While walking back to my car, it was like a light bulb turn on above my head...."What?! A KFC across the street?!" Jaw surgery and extreme hungry makes your fast food radar amped to 100, let me tell you. I had no clue such an establishment was in walking distance?!! You know I didn't want to pass up this opportunity.


That's right....mashed potatoes/gravy, baked beans...and, while not pictured, a glass of wine (big shock here). Helloooooo healthy diet. HA!


Did I mention the happiness when successfully accepting the KFC spork challenge!?!

Go me.

My spoons (and dishwasher) thanked me for a much-needed vacation tonight.

Monday, April 21, 2008

No Rubbers Here

Before you get the wrong idea....

Tonight was the first event that deemed it necessary to...remove the rubber bands.
Since surgery, I've been rocking these binding bands. Not only painful...also...gross.

Really, I've only been hanging out with friends who know about the surgery and tragedy of my braces, etc. But tonight was my first event outside of the immediate friend network....the good ol' Junior Hollywood Speed Networking Event. In one word...hilarious.

I thought the wires would frighten the mini agents, mini development execs, mini producers, etc. No need for the added nerdiness of the bands, riiiight?

These events are always hit or miss. I met some cool people. I met some not so cool people. But what brings be pride...not one person mentioned the braces. Go me.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Passion for Pudding

Some people are passionate about music or sports or classical literature. Others are passionate about....pudding. No surprise here -- Wired Lady is categorized in the latter.

The cliche goes, "Ya learn something new every day," right? Welp, today I learned two highly exceptional things:
  1. I apparently love tapioca pudding
  2. I apparently ALSO enjoy rice pudding
Ooooo while some may be turned off from the bizarre consistencies or pearly balls....not me. Anything that goes down...wins.

I enjoy wine. However, I am a sommelier of..pudding.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

I Hate You Anyway, Taco, Burrito & Chimichanga


Last night I met up with a few amigos for some comida Mexicana before the big Friday night showing of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall."

Hilarious how I can't enjoy nachos...but that doesn't stop me from the guacamole!!! Bring on the spoon (my #1 utensil of all time)!!!!

Other items on the Wired Lady menu...
  • Cadillac Margraita (are you surprised?)
  • Tortilla Soup (minus about 98.5% of its contents)
  • Spanish Rice (only drenched in the broth of my tortilla soup)
  • Tamale (although enjoyable at the time, mixed emotions about it later)
Oh. And..."Sarah Marshall" -- worth the ticket price.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Excitement to a Post-Jaw Surgery Wired Lady


I gotta say, at first, it was a little weird drinking yogurt. 'Smoothie' is a little misleading. To me, a smoothie would have ice, right? This...definitely did not. know I love anything strawberry so, I was totally game.

The state of my life's excitement. And pretty pleased with it.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Dental P-I-M-P

That's riiiiight, I am soooo big dental pimpin'.

First, thank to my co-worker referral, I totally got a gift card to the movies. Now, with my recent referral of Steve the Boyfriend, a Target gift card was waiting for me in my mailbox. I either have tons of friends with dental problems or...I have caused tons of dental problems for my friends.

Literally, the retainer that Steve has had in his mouth for ages broke the day I had my surgery. Is that bad teeth karma, or what?! I had to apologize to him.

His visit to the ortho's office (so I hear) on Tuesday was hilarious. I imagine it being like the first time my family met Steve - only this time it was my dental family. In the letter accompanying the Target gift card, Patrice, the office manager wrote, "Stephanie, Thank you so much for introducing us to Steve. He's a lucky guy!..." Ha! Steve said everyone was so excited to meet him and even more excited to talk about my before and after pics - post surgery. Man, I wish he had taken video for the blog.

FYI - if you don't already have dental 'issues,' you may want to keep your distance from me.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Don't Starve & Drive

There's something about my office that just makes me, hungry. As much as I (still) enjoy my Carnation in the morning (thank you Nestle for the coupon!), it's not quite doing the job it once did when I just sat in bed all day. Big surprise here, right? Yeah, so...apparently working makes one hungry. Who would have thought?! Ha.

Literally, yesterday, I didn't bring enough yogurt, pudding, drinks, etc. to work and...I pretty much thought my body was going to start eating itself from the inside.

My biggest mistake was made tonight when I didn't throw the Ensure in the purse for the drive home. Well, thanks to the f*** Hollywood Bowl (damn you, newlywed Jay Z and your sold-out concert), I sat in traffic tonight for approximately 85 minutes. Let's just say, the old bottle of water in the Kia did not cut it.

A long drive. Lesson learned -- do not drive on (even) a half-way empty stomach. When your jaw barely opens, stock up at all times for a natural disaster.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Entering The Quiet Zone

Remember the excitement last Thursday when I could finally talk? Remember? Remember?

Well, those days are...o-v-e-r! It's pay back time. My jaw is now paying me back for things like ...oooh....I dunno, the 20 minute story I just HAD to tell about dental floss and yogurt or...the thought-I was-a HILARIOUS tale about my recent visit to the orthodontist's office. Silly, silly Wired Lady.

As you can imagine, having survived my first two days back at work...and talking...a is now quiet time for the Wired Lady. As I sit here waching American Idol and typing, I am exceptionally happy to see the finalists' jaws super busy and mine...closed.

It's great to be back at work and pretending all is back to normal but...the dental gods are laughing at me this evening. So, between now and 9 AM tomorrow morning, it's time for a little volume control and vacation for my face.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

A Cocktail & Soup, Please!

This weekend my good friend Kerry was in town for business. The timing could not have been better, as I A) was dying to escape from my apartment, B) finally had the energy to do more than turn my TV on and C) didn't look so much like a deranged Garbage Pail Kid.

The weekend brought my first opportunity to dine in a restaurant with my new, little 'handicap.' I learned a lot about jaw surgery and fine dining - don't go so much hand in hand. Cocktails, good. Soup, great. And...that's about it.

Below are a few illustrations of my new menu options at Eva Longoria's new "Beso" restaurant in Hollywood:



For those of you who think I will miraculously transform into a skinny 'biatch' thanks to my minimal dietary options -- ooooh how wrong you are.

"I would like your biggest bowl of rice, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese and a milkshake, please." See you later skinny jeans.

Tomorrow - back to work.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Ce-le-brate Good Times...COME ON!

The crazy and ridiculous mouth guard-thingy is...GONE!!!!!!! Hooray times a million!

Today was the big 3 week check-up at Dr. Relle's office and it couldn't have gone better! He broke out the wire cutters and freed the beast from my mouth! I can talk!!!! (not too excited, right?) In honor of such an OUTSTANDING day, I might be time to show some pics -- time to put ol' 'Wilson' to rest.

Please you will see...I am still in the 'chipmunk' phase...
My bite ...

My bite/mouth closed...

My bite/smile from the side...

Dr. Relle was so proud of his work...he even took a picture of Steve and I. Ha. It was hilarious. I see him next in three weeks. I still have two rubber bands I have to rock but at this point...I can deal with anything.

I cautiously asked Relle, "Do you think it would be okay if I had a glass of wine?"
His reply, "You should have had a glass of wine a week ago!"

Not. Funny. Dude.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Seriously? Do I Have a Chance?

Attention Ortho-Bloggers! Big question...

So, seriously, do I have a shot at getting this mouth guard removed tomorrow at the oral surgeon's office?

What's the protocol? I can't remember if I imagined the doctor saying he would take it out, or if it was just some hopeful codeine-inspired dream I had.

Goodbye, My Love

This morning the codeine...ran out. You'd think I would be concerned but instead, I feel like a new woman...taking steps for the first time.

I am so ready to get on with my life. And I suppose, this empty bottle is the first step. If anything else, now I can get back to emptying real bottles - of tequila.


Tuesday, April 8, 2008


I didn't think I could do it, but I have learned, hunger motivates like no other. I swallowed my Easy Mac for lunch and LOVED every freakin' minute of it. South Beach, whaaaat?!

Belly. So. Happy.

Content is hard to come by when one is locked in her apartment. Have you noticed?

Three weekdays left at home. Three days till ortho check-up. Two days till oral surgeon check-up. One day till complete insanity.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Perfect Timing!


Thank you, Aimee, for sharing this FANTASTIC ortho-happy tip! You know where I'll be tomorrow morning...

...not so much going for the one pictured (although I do love a spoon), but instead, perhaps a traditional juice or 'yogurt blend'? It is sad how incredibly happy this news makes me? This is SO beyond a coupon.

She Speaks Walken

After watching Christopher Walken host SNL this weekend, I discovered a hidden talent, thanks to the HUGE mouth guard jammed in the roof of my mouth. That's riiiiight, helloooo voice-over talent!

Sunday, April 6, 2008



This morning it happened -- my first sneeze. My doctor told me to try not to sneeze the first week or two of recovery. Not really sure why, but it had something to do with the sinuses and all that junk. My fear was, how was I going to try not to sneeze? The good news is...I never had to! Maybe I wouldn't have been able to anyway, but..who knows.

Now, beginning week three -- it just happened. Out of nowhere. A big sneeze!

Any guess what!?

I made it out okay! I can sneeze!

Saturday, April 5, 2008

The Universal Sign of OKAY


Yesterday I was desperate to get out of this apartment. Also, I was (I can't believe I am actually saying this) desperate to get some exercise. This, coming from the girl who's notorious for coming up with every excuse not to go to the gym.

So, my big adventure yesterday took me for a walk, a couple blocks away, to my little slice of heaven...aka...DSW Shoe Warehouse.

Now, I love DSW for a number of reasons but especially because there are never any annoying salespeople bugging you. It's a total self-serve establishment. So, with my talking-handicap, I knew this would be a safe stop. Oh. How. I. Was. Wrong. I learned an important lesson from my first daytime escapade -- sales people in the afternoon are bored out of their minds and are dying to help you! Of course, everyone and their mother at DSW was eager to help! Dammit. The one time I actually get customer service, I can't even enjoy it! So, what did I do? That's right, the thumbs up!

"Good afternoon, how can I help you?" = thumbs ups
"Do you need a size in that?" = thumbs ups
"Would you like the discount card?" = thumbs up

At first I thought it was fun being mysterious. Like...maybe they thought I was from some exotic foreign country and couldn't speak the challenging language of...English. But then I thought, they probably just think I'm a retard? (excuse my complete un-P.C.-ness)

Sure enough, I got out of there as quickly as possible with not a shoe in hand. And I even had a coupon!

Thinking I was safe, stepping into my apartment building's lobby, I run into the building handyman with a carpet cleaning machine. For almost two years this man has never said anything more to me than, "Hola!" Of COURSE today he actually said, "How is the carpet on your floor?" What?! How is the carpet? I have no idea. I have never thought twice about the carpet in the hallway on my level. Running into the elevator I did what I only knew I could...I gave the good ol' thumbs up! And...try to throw is a smile, although I'm sure it looked completely creepy. He responded with a look of utter confusion. Great. Any by the way, looking now at the filthy carpet in the hallway, I'm sure it will never be cleaned.

Friday, April 4, 2008



For some reason, I keep running out of clean spoons. Is it too much to ask for a clean spoon every time I reach for some pudding? Or how about a dose of some more medicine? Yummy yogurt? Morning oatmeal? That's right...spoons, spoons, spoons!!!!

A Target run for more spoon silverware may be in my near future - like, tonight.

Don't take your spoons for granted. I used to. Not any more.

Home Entertainment


People keep asking what I've been doing to stay busy at home. No, I have not taken up knitting or miraculously discovered some amazing, secret talent for home organization.

What I do know is, today I spent $35 at Blockbuster.

I'm starting to realize, it's not so hard to stay busy throughout the day.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

The Wired Menu

The doctors rule of "no swallowing or biting" has (no surprise here) definitely put a damper on my usual meal schedule. This morning, however, I totally kicked some jaw healing-food consuming ass. That's right...I ate an egg white! Woo hoo. Go me. Go me. Welp, wait...hold up...I didn't exactly eat and egg white...I really just swallowed one. But nonetheless...I filled me up...and I have learned, that is really the goal with every single meal at this point in the game.

So, you may be wondering...what's on the menu these days?
Below are a few of the food & drinks I have conquered!!!!:
  • Chicken broth (thrilling, I know)
  • Tomato soup (never knew I was a fan...till now)
  • Tom Yum Thai Soup with Ramen (chopped in tiny tiny pieces) from Buddha's Belly
  • Tortilla soup from El Compadre
  • Albongidas soup from El Compadre (heaven on earth!)
  • Country Crock Pre-Made Mashed potatoes
  • Oatmeal
  • Yogurt (I am currently a connoisseur of yogurt)
  • Mushroom & chicken soup broth (looks gross but fills you up)
  • Carnation Instant Breakfast (I am still 100% standing behind my review - taste good & filling!)
  • Naked Juices (Love the Berry Berry & Protein - if Whole Foods ever has it again)
  • Diet Sprite (you know I'm still not feeling well because I haven't had a Diet Coke in two weeks)
  • Water (false belief that water will deflate my face)
  • Hot Chocolate (feels so good on the throat)
  • Jello Pudding (I am also a Jello connoisseur - banana being the favorite)
  • Strawberry Homemade Milkshake!!!! (you know, I just had to use the strawberrys before the went bad)
  • Shamrock Shake from McDonald's (damn you the month of April)
  • Pinkberry Plain Frozen Yogurt - no toppings (not so fun to eat - hard to control temperature - always too cold)
  • Egg whites! (hellz yeah)
Today for lunch I will be trying turkey chili. I know, hold the phones, riiiiiiight? Super exciting. Story of my life.

Hello Excitement


Last night Rose brought me the game of Boggle. Today, there was a Boggle Bash.


Words ironically found in my Boggle mix-ups during the day: ate, eat, pain, hurt, swell, yell, and face

Words ironically not found in my Boggle mix-ups during the day: voice, speech, margarita, wine and nachos

Welcome! Please Tell Me A Story.

Last night I had my first visitor. Hooray! Entertainment!

A few frequently stated questions/comments spoken during the evening's company:
  • "What?"
  • "Say that again."
  • "Please repeat."
  • "You look like a geisha girl with your hand over your mouth."
  • "Is that a New Orleans accent?
  • "Huh?"
  • "Shannon Elizabeth is president of the MacGyver fan club???"
  • "Want a gold fish? Oh. Whoops"
  • "When can you drink again?"
  • [blank stares]
My face seriously hurts from laughing so hard. Was it painful for anyone else when you laughed? I brush my teeth with a Dora the Explorer toothbrush, I look like a corpse when I sleep, and I sound like Kermit the Frog when I speak. How the hell can I not laugh at all this?!

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Wired Lady Book Club


I would like to thank my mother for recommending a novel where the principal characters are starving...all...the...time. Literally, the first two hundred pages consisted of Tom the Builder's family ravenously searching the forest for food. A piece of bread to these people is considered gold. And guess what?! I can't even eat bread!!!

The mind is enjoying the read, however, not so much the belly.