Why Life's Not Fair

This beautiful vase of heaven is what the Wired Lady gets to stare at all day long, as it sits on the boss's coffee table. Why????????????????????????? Why meeeeeee???!!!!!!!!!

And I will admit, I broke down today and tried having a bean. As expected, I failed. There was no enjoyment sucking the sugar off, then downing the bean like a pill -- as to avoid sticky accidents with brackets. It was a complete failure but I was desperate.

Some may say they ate all kinds of these goodies when he/she had braces. All I have to say to those nay-sayers is, yes...I did too...but that time I wasn't paying for them.

And for the record -- Marshall, if you ask me for gum one more time I will kick your ass.

Total Case of the Mondays

As with all my post-lunch bathroom trips to brush, got the usual co-worker comment...
"Oh, the life with braces." With a mouth full of toothpaste, I respond with a, "Yep." And that's pretty much the excitement for the day.

However, today I did get a follow-up comment about how hard it was to stop brushing hard, even after this person's braces were off. I appreciated the attempt to connect. I look forward to tomorrow's "Yes I Have Braces and I Brush" bathroom moment. As if bathroom interactions with co-workers aren't awkward enough.

The Weekend Call from Mom

Don't get me wrong, I always enjoy the weekend call from Mom. However, lately I have noticed a new standard question always asked within the course of the conversation. That question -- "How are the braces?"

I can understand, "How's work?" and "How was your weekend?" but...how do I respond to, "How are the braces?" Um...well, they are feeling indifferent at this moment. They had a rough couple of hours after the cashew snack and burger lunch, but currently they are...fine?! I dunno! Is it sad that at 25 my mom asks about my braces?

Wait....I know the answer.

Off to Steve's with my zipper in hand...

Still lovin' summer corn.
And no, these are not my hands.

Ugly People

What boggles my mind is when ugly people make fun of my braces. I swear. What the hell is up with that? I feel like the uglier they get, the nastier they are. I'm sorry but if you're ugly, and really, I'm sure you're clued into it by now, you have no reason to mock the metal.

Stay away, Fugly.

Must Be Destiny

Welcome back to the "World of Awkward Office Moments." This episode features the stand-by, Wired Lady and the Shall-Remain-Nameless (but you know who you are, and please remember it's all in the sake of humor) Co-Worker. Let's take a closer look...

Blah-blah-blah...office-related talk...then...
WL: Ok. I'll set that up....(insert long pause, waiting for Co-Worker to leave)
SRN Co-Worker: Hey. There must be something about this cubicle.
WL: Why is that?
SRN Co-Worker: The last assistant who sat here also had braces. What about that?!
WL: Cool. (begrudgingly give half-smile - barely showing braces)
SRN Co-Worker: Must be destiny!
WL: Super.

Blame the Bacon

Today marked my first emergency trip to the orthodontist's office. After a rendezvous with turkey bacon this morning, the back wire totally popped out of my bracket. I'd like to think it was the dental assistant's fault for cutting the wire too short, but after crunching margarita ice cubes and enjoying chewy bacon for breakfast, I gotta own up.

Luckily, they took me while the boss was out to lunch. Props to the Wired Lady for picking an orthodontist's office close to work! Ten bucks says I'll be back in a week. There's no way I'm going to make it through vacation without a metal mishap. Maria only snapped the wire back in, she didn't re-wire-up! I would say she was lazy but, I think it was her lunch break.

Poor Baby

You think you've got it bad, LiLo?

This is how I feel two times every day...flossing!
No sympathy for Lohan from the WL.

Go Team Blue!

Definitely a historic debate this evening. Happy to not think about braces for two hours.


Just a note -- both Hilary and Barack have very nice, straight teeth. This will be a tough one.

God Bless Carbs

Desperate for carbs I master the art of
Wired Club Sandwich Eating/Inhaling.

It's all about eating layer by layer. Which really, is kind of more enjoyable because the enjoyment of eating lasts so much longer.
Thank you Doughboys for comforting my stomach.

Feeling Super Today

Don't really have a lot or...scratch that...know of a lot to say about last night but to say it was an "O.U. Night" would be...an understatement.

How large is my wired-mouth in this pic? Thanks to my friend/new enemy...tequila.
Looking forward to the call from Nadia tomorrow.

A Wired Day

A day in the life...

Early this morning - Oil Change

What felt like a million hours spent at Firestone to get my car checked -- thanks in part for the fabulous selection of men's magazines. Gotta say, totally at an even bigger disadvantage now. Not only am I female but I also show up with braces. Do you think this really helps my attempt to rock the "Don't Rip Me Off Because I'm Female" attitude? Hell no. And yes, they did convince me to upgrade to the transmission flow or cleaning or whatever the hell it was. I'm tough as nails.

Later this morning - William Sonoma

While I am extremely thankful for all my corn zippers -- what can I say, a wired lady really only needs one...maybe two? Probably one of the more embarrassing errands to run. Let's just say, the suburban housewives at WS had a chuckle...on me.

This afternoon - Cut & Color

Is it ironic that I saw wired-friend Dakota Fanning at my hair salon?
I'm surprised they didn't put us in the back. The new imagine might prevent "The Hills" girls from showing up.

Waxed ~ Hell No!

I would like to make an official announcement.
As a wired adult, I hate waxed floss. I do not believe it works. I do not believe it cleans. And quite frankly, it does not leave my mouth feeling superior. While some may enjoy the wax for it's soothing nature, I gotta say, when you're rollin' in the braces...screw comfort...get me gunk free! I do not want to be wasting my time flossing with knock-off floss -- only designer from now on.


Two mistakes - First, being cheap and buying generic . Second, being fooled by the turquoise-colored words of 'mint' and 'waxed.' So soothing.

Waxed brows, legs, unmentionables...yes. Waxed floss...
hell no!

Working it Out

So, it's embarrassing but I'm slightly obsessed with my aerobics class. It's a hilarious scenario because I see the same people twice, every week (more than most friends and definitely more than my family on the east coast) and...I rarely talk to anyone in the class. It's just weird...everyone's jumping around and sweating and who knows, half the people in there probably don't even speak English. But anyway, today was a day where I actually made a friend (love that!). But afterwards I was wondering, were the braces surprising at all to Girl in the Green Tank Top? I mean, I don't think I show my teeth that much in aerobics -- the Wired Lady can totally go incognito. Maybe (subconsciously) this is why I love aerobics class so much? Just a random thought....

When to say NO to margaritas...

...when they are sent as flower arrangements. Happened.

Damn You Planters

I was at a shoot this morning and I heard the evil craft service table calling -- particularly, the peanuts. Oh. My. I had to do it. So, yes...I enjoyed a snack pack of Planters peanuts (I admit it) and relished every moment...until...the peanuts were gone. Then, the jaw attacked!!!!!!!!! Helloooo headache. Seriously, this is my warning to you...if you are a wired lady/tmj freak show...do not let the snack pack trick you. It was not pretty afterwards. Thank god the crippled jaw was accompanied with 1.5 hours of traffic returning to work. Such a delightful combo.

Caught in the Act

Today I was caught in the work kitchen poking a plastic knife into the back of my braces.

I didn't have a toothpick. I wasn't thinking. What's a girl to do? I was merely waiting for my soup to heat-up and couldn't stand for one more second the piece of turkey stuck in the back of my braces. I wasn't going to ditch the soup to grab floss and jet to the bathroom. Who has time for that?! I had to think quick. For some reason, the plastic knife looked both appealing and handy (ironically, I am reading a book my boss gave me about teenage cutters - but that's a toootally different story).

The co-worker gave a weird, "Hey." I immediately fessed up and blamed it on the braces. I admit it. I pick. I am always picking at the braces. I know it's gross but nothing is worse that crap stuck back there. And apparently I will use any handy utensil, tool, even writing device to clear the crap. I know, I know...TMI.

By the way, has anyone tried to "Simpsonize" themselves? I have tried for the past hour to load a picture of myself with braces. Apparently, The Simpsons hate braces! Braces = ERROR message. Anyone successful?

Free iPod with Braces

A sign on Santa Monica Blvd. reads...

FREE IPOD NANO
New patients will receive a free IPOD NANO with acceptance of full orthodontic treatment.

At first I felt jipped. After thinking about it, I realized that's pretty freakin' creepy! So, for some people, having decent teeth isn't enough of an incentive to pay the money? The question is, are there really people out there with braces just because they wanted a free ipod?

To clear my name, I owned my iPod shuffle before the wires were installed. While the iPod is a fantastic little gadget, I think Steve Jobs would agree, it's definitely not a deciding factor in going wired at 25. Now, should the docs throw in the BMW convertible...that's a totally different story.

The Dog Hospital Freak Show

I may have braces but I am not a member of the freak show I saw at Runyon Canyon this morning.

1.
A woman struggling to hike up a hill, with a Starbucks iced coffee in her hand. Seriously?! Is your addition THIS Bad that you can't work out without the caffeine in your hand? What is the point of even exercising?

2.
A woman struggling to hike up a hill, wearing THESE shoes!! Are they even shoes?! I wouldn't walk to my car in the rain wearing my Chinese-netted slippers.

3.
A woman holding a shitzu in her Baby Bjorn. Are you kidding me?! Why? Why? Why? Why?
I realize I look like a biatch at Runyon because I don't have a four-legged animal gasping for life at my feet, but, I'm sorry, I choose only to abuse alcohol.

and last....

4. This man...


I will leave you with the words of Drew Barrymore in an interview on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien"...
"Let your freak flag fly!"


With wires, I try but there is a fine fiiiiine line.

Do Not Be Fooled

As excited as I was, this may have been one of the worst decisions of my life.

Wired Lady grants half a star. Lesson learned, do not skimp on the 'rita when drinking with AND without braces.

The Diet for Brace-Faces

One of the hottest books of the summer is Roni DeLuz's "21 Pounds in 21 Days: The Martha's Vinyard Diet Detox."

Roni was on "The View" the other day and Joy Behar (who I normally enjoy) ripped her into a new one. Seriously, probably not the smartest diet or, excuse me, 'detox' to go on, but...as I learned more, I started to realize a market for this book -- the adult braces/jaw surgery community. Hello?!! They should give the book away free as you exit the hospital! A diet that actually states, "no chewing for 21 days.?!" Is this for real?! Um...finally, sounds like a diet I can do!!!

Random but -- this evening on my way back from dinner, I ran into a guy in the lobby of my building. I don't know if he was thankful I held the door for him or what but...he gave me a free can of Miller Light. My theory is -- he saw the braces & wanted to give to charity. Either way, if elevator rides = free beer, I love my home. As 20-somethings, how much do we love the weekends?!

OrthoBloggers Unite!

Thanks to my new dental friend Aimee, I have been exposed to a world beyond my wildest imagination -- the world of...the OrthoBloggers.

Here I thought I was being 'unique' - - writing this silly blog about my nerdy braces and what do you know?!...there is a whole group of people doing this same thing!!! I LOVE it!!! I have found my family online. I now have a home. People to seek information from. Advice to be given! Advice to be sought! Love to be shared. Teeth to be flossed. It has only been hours but I already feel the connection toward my ortho-friends.

For those of you perfect, pretty teeth, correct jaw/bite/face people who have no clue what I am talking about...no need to fear! I will soon be linking all of my favorite ortho-friends. You will get to know all of them and cherish them as I do. I'm sure you too will want to know what flavor of Ensure is the most highly recommended. Get ready people! Bring on the braces!

(Can you tell I am completely exhausted and somewhat delusional at the moment?)

Mutes Have All The Luck

Damn...who would have thought after-work drinks would be so painful...to my jaw?! I really should just stop talking. This would solve all jaw pain. Or...maybe drink quicker?
Probably a more reasonable solution. But seriously, I think the shrimp in my salad for lunch today hated me. I forgot how chewy shrimps are. Tomorrow I will just stick to my chocolate stash.


Apparently, I take a lot of pictures of myself in my car.

Miss Mature Bones

Oh, you know, just doing some fun, recreational reading this evening and came across THIS delightful piece of information...

"Orthodontic forces move the teeth in the same way for both adults and children, but adult treatment may take longer due to the maturity of the bone."

Thank you, American Association of Orthodontics. Where the hell was this little jewel of info when I signed up for this 'adventure?!' Hope my children's friends don't mind a soccer mom in braces. "No, Joey, you can't have cracker jacks for snacks in this car. You know Mama's dental dilemmas. Pass the pudding!"

Do you think I can get a promotion based on my maturity of bone?
Gross.

Inappropriate Wire Talk

I think one of the most annoying things said to a 20-something with braces is, "Hey! I really like your braces." What? Excuse me?! Is there actually a response to this compliment? -- if that's what you call it? What do I say? Hey, thanks Ass Hole for making me feel like crap! Hey, thanks Jerk Face for reminding me of my handicap, default, hideousness, Steve Urkel Syndrome, etc. Really appreciate it.

The only thing worse than this statement said to my face, in public, is....someone who says it with actual genuineness. How is that possible, you may ask? I swear, it happened. And...it happened at work! Ahh! Let's just say, I responded incorrectly.

Oddly Nice Co-Worker: Hey, I really like your braces.
Wired Lady: (Long Silence) Huh?
Oddly Nice Co-Worker: Yeah.
Wired Lady: Please do not tell me you have a fetish with young girls (Insert Laughter, on my part)
Now Creeped Out-Oddly Nice Co-Worker: What? That's sick. And really inappropriate for the work place.

Corn to be WILD

I may not be able to eat it but I sure can zip it.
Holla back Pilgrims!

Almost Emergency

Holy crap. Talk about a close call. At Marix tonight. Of course, enjoying a margarita...on the rocks. All of a sudden, after chomping on an enjoyable piece of ice, the back wire on the left hand side of my braces totally released. Flashes of gay men calling 911 ran through my head. Images of waking Dr. Yamada up in the middle of the night flooded my brain. Do I have the Buena Vista emergency hot line programed in my phone? What am I gonna do?! How do I play it cool? Can I continue with dinner and drinks with my braces half removed? This had never happened before.

Luckily the calmer, (slightly tipsy) Stephanie was out to play tonight. Thank GOD with a flick of my tongue, I was able to insert the wire back into the bracket without a comotion. Phew!!!!!!!!!!!! Totally saved the day on that one. Ok. Back to the nachos.

I will never think of my margarita ice the same way. I will no longer take you for granted.

No Wires in the O.C.

Yesterday Steve and I road-tripped it to Laguna Beach.



While we did not see Stephen or LC....we did see LO having lunch at Francesca's Cafe. Woo woo! What an eye I have!


The famous Pomodoro where LC and Stephen had their first date. Yes, there is a walking tour. And yes, I did print the map.

I am not surprised to report that while in the O.C., I did not spot one adult with braces. Lots of beautiful people does not equate to wired faces. This is not rocket science, people.

I am happy to report that I have found a new favorite breakfast substitute...


This will be hard not to enjoy on a week day.

Plenty of Flossing Time

This is what a wired lady looks like with a five-day vacation.
Thank you WORK I love you...today.
Better boot up the water pick. No excuses for time.
Gonna sparkle.

Go America!

Nothing better than celebrating America in Hermosa with friends, food and hilarious coverage of Nathans Hot Dog Eating Contest. Some watching this 'sport' may be impressed/disgusted with the amount of pork and bread ingested, thanks to water and stomach muscle maneuvering, I on the other hand, watched with an admiration -- an admiration for jaw muscle.


The man with the iron-jaw.


Thank goodness none of the competitors had braces. I am confident the wires would interfere with stuffing or, as the experts say, 'chimpmunking' time.

Mistakes and Sprinkles

Yes, I was very excited that today was Alex's work birthday celebration. Besides the obvious reasons (friendship, support, happiness, blah blah blah), let's get real...it was all about the CUPCAKES! My excited soon turned to stupidity with sprinkles.



No wired lady should choose the cupcake covered in sprinkles. Especially when co-workers/bosses/etc. decide to hold extremely long conversations with you afterwards. It's hard to fake interested while picking sprinkles out of my braces during conversations. Of course, immediately after the hoopla...totally ran to the restroom with my trusty pick toothbrush kit. And for the record people...I am holding toothbrushes, not tampons. People seriously must think I'm on my period for 30 days straight.